


glowsticks

by LovelyLesbian



Category: Firebringer - Team StarKid
Genre: Adopted Children, Alice and Jemilla have a code for when they need to talk about said gay shit, Angst, CEO of unnecessary commas and ellipses, Child Abuse, Cutting, EDNOS, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, F/F, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Self-Harm, TW for a l l t h e t h i n g s, also im a child dont come after me, bc her parents suck, gay shit, get ready boys, im sorry, jemilla is afraid to leave her house, jemilla's parents SUCK yall not even gonna lie, puke, this one is r o u g h, updates are whenever i want, zazz is just WORRIED
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-21
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-01 17:28:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 24
Words: 35,070
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23760820
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LovelyLesbian/pseuds/LovelyLesbian
Summary: some people are like glowsticks. they have to break before they can shine.alternatively;an angsty as hell jazzalil fic.
Relationships: Jemilla/Zazzalil (Firebringer)
Comments: 229
Kudos: 93





	1. rain or shine, I don't feel a thing

**Author's Note:**

> allllllllrightyyyyyyyy  
> so, a few things before we begin. TW for literally all the things. Jemilla, Tiblyn, and Smelly-Balls are all siblings (Smelly-Balls is named Sebastian). Jemilla's parents suck. 
> 
> Prepare y'allselves. This one's gonna hurt my dudes.

Jemilla Madeline Reed had had a wonderful childhood. She had a nice house, nice clothes, nice friends, and lovely parents. Her parents always told her that they’d love her no matter what, and for a very long time, Jemilla believed that. However, as she crept into her teen years, she was beginning to doubt that statement.

Her parents began to expect perfection from her. “You’re a teenager now, Jemilla Madeline. You have to grow up. A ‘B+’ is not acceptable. We want ‘A+’’s from now on. ” (They always used her middle name.) “Jemilla Madeline, I don’t like that girl. Stop being friends with her. What if she does something bad and you get connected to it? How would that look on college applications?” “Jemilla. Madeline. Stop crying. That’s for toddlers.” “Jemilla Madeline, how on earth could you not fit into that dress? We bought it last year. You’re going to have to lose weight.”

It was safe to say that by seventeen, Jemilla hated her parents. She didn’t talk back, because that would earn you a slap across the cheek. She didn’t object when her little sister began getting the same treatment. She would only pull her into their room and let her cry whenever she needed to. She didn’t object when her little brother got the same treatment. Jemilla may have hated her parents, but what could she do about it? All three of them had been adopted. None of them wanted to go back to the foster system and Mr. and Mrs. Reed had an image to uphold. All the kids knew that. That was their main excuse for their behavior.

“Jemilla Madeline, I will not have you going out looking like that. You can see every inch of fat on your body. What if someone from church were to see you?”

“Tiblyn Grace, you stop crying right this instant. I will not have you screaming your head off in public. No child of mine will be misbehaved. What would the papers say? We have an image to uphold, you know.”

“Sebastian Blake, you need to stop talking to that little boy immediately. His dad is gay, which likely means he is the same way. I will not have you grow up to be like that. We simply cannot have that stain on our image.”

☾◯☽

Yeah, Jemilla hated her parents. Tiblyn, who had just turned thirteen already hated herself and Jemilla was doing all she could to keep Tiblyn from turning to the behaviors she had. She knew that they were bad and she absolutely should not do them, but no one had told her not to. She lost weight, which pleased her parents. She cut herself, which pleased her. Jemilla did not want Tiblyn to go down the path she had. She got Tiblyn to talk to her, late at night, when their parents were asleep. Jemilla made herself the person she didn’t have.

She also tried to get Sebastian (SB, as he preferred to be called. Their parents never called him that, but Jemilla and Tiblyn did when it was safe.) to open up. SB was a ten-year-old boy who, naturally, was not always in the mood for listening to his older sisters. He did talk to them, though. Whenever he needed to, he knew that Jemilla and Tiblyn would be in their room, willing to talk to him.

☾◯☽

Jemilla controlled nearly every aspect of her life. There were somethings she couldn’t control, like her feelings, her siblings, her parents’ thoughts of her. But what she could control, she did. She planned what she was going to wear (always conservative clothing in pastel colors. Always skirts, never pants. Always white converse, never bright colors. Always glasses, never contacts.). She planned her week meticulously (tutor kids on Mondays, student council on Tuesdays, work at the library on Wednesdays, meals on Thursdays, work again on Fridays, “family time” on Saturdays and church on Sundays). She planned her meals. Well, actually, it was just a meal. One meal, on Thursday afternoons. She would snack throughout the week so she wouldn’t pass out, but she only ever ate a full meal once a week. If she was forced to eat a full meal outside of that time (dinner, usually), she would eat it, to be polite, but as soon as she could, she would stick her fingers down her throat and throw it back up. She didn’t like how the weight of the food made her feel. Besides, what would her mom say? Most likely, “Jemilla Madeline, I can’t believe you’ve gained more weight. You were doing so well.”

☾◯☽

No one noticed that she didn’t eat. Jemilla got up before anyone else, so saying that she ate before Tiblyn or SB came downstair was easy. She spent lunch in the library, reading. Usually, she was alone, except for the librarian, Mrs. Richardson, and a few teachers that came in. They never minded because it was Jemilla Reed, who was practically perfect in every way. She ate dinner with her family, hating every second of it and throwing it back up afterward.

Jemilla had expected the library to be the same as it always had when she walked in one Monday in October. She crossed over her usual corner in the fiction section and sat down on the floor. She pulled out her most recent book, _Wintergirls_ by Laurie Halse Anderson, and began to read. She sat in peace when she heard someone coming. She glanced up from her book and saw someone she had never seen before. It was a short girl with long brown hair and a dark green t-shirt tucked into jeans. Given her height, Jemilla would’ve guessed that she was a freshman, but you never knew. Maybe she was a junior, like Jemilla. The girl looked lost in thought when Jemilla spoke, “Hello...”

The girl jumped. “Jesus! I’m sorry, I didn’t see you there. I was looking for a hiding spot, but it seems you’ve already taken this one. I’m new here. Don’t really know where the best places to escape are.” Jemilla nodded but didn’t say anything. “My name’s Elizabeth Cole, but for the love of God, do not call me that. I go by Zazzalil or Zazz. I-” she paused. “I’m rambling. Sorry. Nervous habit. I’m sure you’re spending lunch in here to be alone, but would you mind some company? I promise I won’t talk, but you know…” she trailed off.

Jemilla contemplated for a moment before patting the carpet next to her. Zazzalil sat down and Jemilla spoke again. “I’m Jemilla Reed. I’m a junior and class president. This is where I spend lunch if you ever want to find me.” Jemilla was shocked at herself. Talking to someone who wasn’t Mom-approved? What was she doing? She couldn’t have someone here during lunch! Zazzalil would notice that she wasn’t eating! Jemilla was going to have to cut tonight. How could he be so stupid?

“I’m also a junior!” Zazz spoke up. “I’ll probably take you up on that offer. Seems like a nice place to eat lunch.” Jemilla nodded her head, screaming at herself.

☾◯☽

That afternoon, Jemilla did exactly as planned. After she picked up SB and Tiblyn, they all went to the library so Jemilla could tutor someone. SB and Tiblyn went over to where the legos were and began to play. When it was time to go, the three of them drove home. All of them went into Jemilla and Tiblyn’s room to do homework until dinner time. Jemilla ate her meal, put her dishes into the dishwasher and went upstairs. She opened the door to the bathroom and gagged herself until she had gotten everything out of her system. Usually, she would’ve rinsed with mouthwash, washed her hands, and gone back to her room, but today was different.

She had talked to someone. Someone who clearly wanted to be friends with her. That someone did not go to their church. That someone was not Mom-approved. Jemilla took a blade out of the medicine cabinet and cut it into her hip. Small, hairline cuts, so that once they healed over, it would be impossible to tell anything had happened. She cut once, twice, ten times before rinsing off the blade and sticking it back to it’s hiding spot and going to bed.


	2. we're watching them fading away

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> jemilla calls tiblyn "bunny" bc it's my story i can do what i want(also i think it's cute) and SB and tiblyn call jemilla "jemmy" for the same reasons.

Despite herself, Jemilla was looking forward to seeing Zazzalil the next day. After fourth period, she headed to the library and made her way over to her corner. She set her backpack on the ground and sat next to it, smoothing out her pale pink skirt. She reached into her backpack and grabbed her book. She opened it up and began to read. After a few minutes and no sign of Zazzalil, Jemilla felt herself feeling a little disappointed, though she wasn’t quite sure why. She should be happy, right? Now she wouldn’t have to worry about her mother’s disapproval. Jemilla kept on reading (she didn’t know that someone could relate to a book so much!) and waited. With fifteen minutes left in the lunch period, Jemilla had given up the hope that Zazzalil would show up, but to her surprise, she did. Zazz came skidding around the corner and began speaking at an impossibly fast pace.

“Hey, I am so sorry I’m late, but I was getting lunch from the line and then these people from my third period dragged me to their table so I could eat with them. I really wanted to come in here and hang out with you, but I was too scared to leave, so I just ate really fast and escaped so,” she plopped down next to Jemilla, out of breath. “Here I am. How are you?” Jemilla smiled a small smile and looked down at her hands. Zazzalil acted way different than Grace or Alice ever would. She was loud (not too loud, they were in a library after all) and outgoing and had the confidence of someone who knew who they were and where they were going. Jemilla and her friends were always quiet and respectful (as women should be, according to Father Jeremiah). 

“I’m good.” she lied. Jemilla had become accustomed to lying about her well-being. She knew that lying was wrong, but admitting that she was actually in pain would be… not good. “How are you, Zazzalil.” Zazzalil leaned her head back against the shelf and sighed.

“I’m good. A little stressed out, but that’s junior year for you, right? Like how come this is the year that defines the rest of our lives, huh? Get a bad SAT score and you’re done for. Bad rank? So long, future. Like honestly!” Zazz let a huff and crossed her arms. “I’m sorry. You looked so peaceful before I came in here ranting. I’ll shut up now.” She reached into her bag and pulled out a pair of headphones and went to plug them into her phone. Jemilla spoke up quickly.

“Oh no, you don’t have to. I like listening to you talk. If you ever need to get something off your chest, I’ll be here. I’m a good listener, I swear!” Zazzalil stared at her for a minute before nodding.

“I’ll keep that in mind. I am tired though, so can you wake me up when lunch is over? Please?” Jemilla laughed lightly and nodded. Zazz plugged in her headphones, chose a playlist, and closed her eyes. She fell asleep astonishingly fast. Jemilla kept on reading, enjoying the silence. After a few minutes, Jemilla felt a pressure on her shoulder and realized that Zazzalil’s head had begun resting on her shoulder. Jemilla didn’t particularly like being touched, but she thought that she’d let it slide this time.

☾◯☽

After school, Jemilla made her way down to the conference room for the student council meeting. Today, the meeting would probably only take thirty minutes, which was good because Jemilla needed to go pick up Tiblyn and SB from their respective schools. When Tiblyn climbed into the front seat that day, she seemed more down than usual. She was usually a happy person and Jemilla couldn’t help but ask what was wrong.

“I’m just,” Tiblyn sniffed. “I’m just so hungry. Why doesn’t Mom let us eat lunch? She packs lunch for SB every day but not one for us and she doesn’t put money in our lunch accounts! It’s not like she can’t afford it!” Tiblyn began crying and Jemilla wondered if today had been the first time she’d really noticed or the first time she’d been called out for not having lunch. Jemilla had cried both times. She pulled into the elementary school parking lot and ran her hand up and down Tiblyn’s back.

“Oh, bunny. I’ll explain it to you when Mom and Dad are asleep, but I can’t right now. I’m going to go in and sign out SB and then we have to go home. I’ll go as slow as I can, but you know Mom and Dad don’t like to see signs that you’ve been crying. I have tissues in there,” she pointed at the console of the car. “I’ll be right back, okay bunny?” Tiblyn nodded and Jemilla walked into the school. Mrs. Robinson, the front desk lady, led her to the playground where all of the kids in after-school care were. She spotted SB on the monkey bars and walked over to him.

“SB!” she called out. “Let’s go, buddy. Tiblyn’s in the car.” He dropped from the monkey bars and laid dramatically on the ground. 

“Awwww, Jemmy, please can I stay for five more minutes? Please? Please, pleasepleasepleaseeeeee?” he begged. Jemilla crossed over to where her brother was strewn on the ground. She grabbed his hands and pulled him up. He glared at her, but she just led him back to the front of the school.

“Any homework, buddy?” 

“I did my reading homework, but I still have to do a math worksheet. We’re doing the 9’s timetables.” Jemilla sighed, longing for the days when the hardest thing she had to do was timetables.

“Well, I’ve got a cool trick to show you that’ll help with nines. I’ll show you once we get home.” SB immediately began tugging on her sleeve, desperate to know what would make his life easier. Jemilla just shook her head and told him that she would teach him later. When they arrived at the car, Tiblyn no longer had tears running down her face and you could hardly tell she’d been crying. Jemilla placed a hand on top of her sister’s and whispered, “We’ll talk later.” Tiblyn simply nodded and stared out the window, trying not to cry again. Today, she had thrown up from the lack of food. Her mother had given her extremely small portions of dinner last night and had refused to let her eat breakfast. Tiblyn couldn’t fathom what could make her mom do this? She chose her, out of all the kids she could’ve picked, she picked Tiblyn. So why did she treat her like shit?

☾◯☽

At midnight, Tiblyn tiptoed over to Jemilla’s bed and crawled in. Jemilla wrapped her arms around her little sister and sighed. “I’m not quite sure how to explain this to you,” she whispered.

“You promised you would, Jemmy,” Tiblyn whispered back. Jemilla stared at the wall for a moment before murmuring back.

“Well. When I became a teenager, Mom began putting all these expectations on me. I tried to fight back but she found a way to make me obey her. She wants us to be skinny. So we don’t get lunch, we get small dinners and breakfasts. I used to squirrel away food, but then dad caught me and told Mom. That was a bad night.” Jemilla continued to stare at the wall, remembering the events of that night and how badly she had gotten yelled at. “I started doing… bad stuff. Not eating on the regular, cutting myself.” Tiblyn gasped. _Jemilla self-harmed? But the teachers said you weren’t supposed to do that!_ “Tiblyn, I don’t want you to do that. You have any thoughts about that and you talk to me. You can call me in the middle of the day if you have to, but don’t talk to the counselors.”

Tiblyn began to object. All the adults at her school always said that they should talk to the counselors if they had bad thoughts like that. She was about to say as much before Jemilla spoke. “I know you’ll want to, but they’ll ask questions about your home life. If they think something’s amiss, then they’ll send a social worker. If the social worker finds anything, then they’ll send us back to the system.” Jemilla paused letting her statement sink in. She knew that neither of her siblings had a desire to go back into the system. If things became really bad, then they all just had to hold on for a year. Then Jemilla would be eighteen and could take Tiblyn and SB away from her parents. She hoped it wouldn’t come to that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what's up party people? not a very happy chapter, but i think it was better than last time. I have figured out that juniors are 16-17, that's my bad, but like,,, fuck logic? they're seventeen. anywhooooo thank you for reading!


	3. been trying not to think about it, i can't help it

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jemilla has an Issue™

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry my chapters are so short compared to other peoples!! I am a Child™ and I am l e a r n i n g. also consistent posting?? what's that??

Jemilla had an Issue™. Zazzalil was cute. Very cute. Jemila had known that she liked girls since the sixth grade when she dated Stephanie Rivers, who refused to go by her legal name and was known around the school as Schwoopsie. Jemilla and Schwoopsie were each other’s first girlfriends and liked each other very much, but after dating for almost the whole school year, Schwoopsie had left Jemilla for a girl in seventh grade named Claire. Jemilla was devastated, but couldn’t talk to anyone, especially not her parents, who thought that being gay was one of the biggest sins that someone could be guilty of.

It turned out, though, that her friend Alice also liked girls and (at the time) was crushing hard on their friend Grace Chasity. Jemilla knew that Grace also liked Alice, but would never act on her feelings because she was absolutely terrified of disappointing her parents. Instead, she just did her school work and refused to date any boys, thus earning her the title of Nerdy Prude. Jemilla felt bad for her, but sometimes she could be insufferable.

So, no, Jemilla was not alone in her feelings of despair. She and Alice began trusting each other with their feelings and became best friends. So after realizing that she was developing a crush on Zazzalil, Jemilla ran straight to Alice. They had been spending lunch together for a few weeks and getting to know each other. Jemilla knew that the group of kids that Zazz spent the first fifteen minutes of lunch with consisted of Emberly Walker, Grant Berry, Chorn Korman, David Gray (he went by Ducker, nobody really knew why), and Keeri Thomas. She knew that music was one of Zazzalil’s favorite things (it was also one of her favorite things!) She also knew that Zazzalil was in the closet. Meaning she liked girls. Jemilla was a girl, who happened to like Zazz. This was an Issue™. She needed to talk to Alice badly, so one day, she departed from her schedule. When lunch started, she set her stuff in the library, knowing that nobody would take anything, and nearly sprinted to the cafeteria. She spotted Alice almost immediately. She was wearing a pink cardigan over a graphic t-shirt and a black skirt. Jemilla walked over and tapped her shoulder.

“Alice. I need to talk to you.”

“What’s up, J-Mills?” Jemilla rolled her eyes. Only Alice and Grace called her that. It had stemmed from their phase in elementary school when they decided that they should all have nicknames, but Jemilla’s was the only one that stuck.

“In private. It’s about that Becky Albertalli book.” The Becky Albertalli book was their code that they had come up with in the eighth grade for when they needed to talk about something gay. Alice nodded and stood up. They walked for a little bit until they ended up in the hallway outside if the gym. Nobody had gym class this period, so hopefully, no one would overhear them.

“Tell me everything,” Alice said as soon as they sat down. Jemilla inhaled before spilling everything that had been on her mind for the past few weeks.

“So you know the new girl, Zazzalil?” Alice nodded, smiling. “So she accidentally found the place where I eat lunch and she asked if she could do that with me like every day, and I said yes. So now we spend half of lunch together every single day and she’s so pretty, like seriously Alice, who gave her the right?” Jemilla took a breath before continuing on. “Anyway, we talk during lunch and sometimes she falls asleep on my shoulder which only increases my gay panic,”

Alice smiled even bigger and giggled, “Understandable. Keep going.”

“Well. She’s just. She’s just so pretty and I’m probably not supposed to tell anybody, but she’s in the closet. She likes girls. I like girls too, Alice! Like honestly if she did like me, which she totally doesn’t, I would date her in a heartbeat.”

“Hold on, why doesn’t she like you? Did she tell you that or are you assuming?”

“Assuming, duh. She doesn’t know that I like girls and it’s kinda obvious that no one would like me so,”

Alice gasped, “Bullshit! Girls like you! I don’t know who, but how could someone not like you? You’re Saint Jemilla! Why don’t you just tell her you like her?”

“You never tell a girl you like her Alice, that’s rule number one. It makes you look like an idiot.” Alice just shook her head and smiled.

“Alright, then. I’m going back to lunch. Feel free to sit here and have a gay panic attack.” Jemilla watched Alice walk away before standing back up following her back. She passed the cafeteria and headed towards the library.

☾◯☽ 

When Jemilla got back to the library, she was surprised to see Zazzalil already in their corner. She pulled her phone out of her pocket and checked the time. She had only been gone for ten minutes, which meant that Zazz shouldn’t have been there for another five minutes. She walked over slowly before sitting down.

“Hey. You’re here early.” Zazz nodded, seemingly out of it. “Something wrong?” Zazzalil just stared at the poster with a Harry Potter quote on it. Jemilla reached out and pulled Zazzalil into her, forcing her head onto her shoulder. The shorter girl closed her eyes as Jemilla began carding her fingers through her hair. After sitting like that for a while, it became clear that Zazzalil was not going to talk and Jemilla wasn’t going to force her to. Sometimes you had bad days and just needed to be held for a while.

They had been in a lull before the bell rang, scaring both of them. Zazzalil went to stand up before Jemilla’s hand stopped her. “Sit down. I’ll talk to the counselor and excuse us from classes.”

“You can do that?” Zazzalil whispered.

“I can,” Jemilla nodded. “They trust me and my judgment, for whatever reason. Also, if I help you, then they don’t have to, which they like.” Zazzalil considered this information before sitting back down. “I’ll get your schoolwork for the rest of the day. Who do you have?”

“Art 3 with Rameriez, History with Thomasson, and Physics with Hopkins.” Jemilla nodded before setting off. When she returned with a pile of schoolwork, both her own and Zazz’s, she simply put it into their respective backpacks and pulled Zazz closer to her.

“Do you want to talk about it? You don’t have to, but it can help.” Zazzalil just shook her head. Jemilla understood. Sometimes it was too much to talk about what was happening. They sat there for hours. Jemilla had thought that Zazz had fallen asleep and she had to admit, she was very close to sleep herself. It turns out, though, that Zazz wasn’t asleep. She was crying. Large, silent, tears slid down her cheeks and into her hair. She looked as though she was doing everything in her power not to cry or make any noise (a feeling Jemilla knew all to well). Despite herself, Jemilla leaned over and pressed her lips against Zazzalil’s forehead and wiped away her tear. Her breath hitched before Jemilla could feel her body relax. She was still crying, but less than before. Jemilla didn’t know what was happening inside the girl's head, but she hoped that she had helped.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what's up with zazz? idk, but everyone's had their share of bad days. maybe this is just me but i like to know how many words are in a chapter so i'm gonna start writing them at the bottom.
> 
> 1,240 words


	4. are those real stars that hang in the sky?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's Sunday.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what's up party people? right so this one is h e a v y and that's my bad, that's on me. also. i'm not religious, so like any inaccuracies?? also on me.  
> alright lets see here, TW for:  
> drinking, alcohol abuse, swearing, physical abuse, emotional abuse and i think that's it?  
> also this chapter is pretty dialogue-heavy.

“ _Jemmy?”_ Jemilla, a light sleeper, woke up with a start. She blinked, trying to get her eyes to focus. She could see pretty well without her glasses but struggled to make out who was in front of her. She looked at the clock and after a few blinks, it read 1:17 AM. “ _Jemmy? Are you awake?”_ It was Tiblyn.

“ _Yeah, bunny. I’m awake. Is something wrong?”_ The moonlight was streaming in from their window, making it easier to see the outline of Tiblyn. She tip-toed across the room, her footsteps barely audible. She crawled into Jemilla’s bed and curled into her. Jemilla immediately began rubbing her thumb across Tiblyn’s arm. “ _What’s up, bunny? Bad dream?”_ She expected to feel Tiblyn nod her head like she normally would, but instead, she felt a shake. Jemilla waited for her sister to speak. They laid there in silence for fifteen minutes before Tiblyn spoke quietly.

“ _Why do they hate me so much?”_ Jemilla knew exactly who she was talking about. “ _I mean, they adopted me when I was 5. They chose me over all the other 5-year-olds in the world. They must’ve thought I was special back then, But now, they just hate me. They think I’m not good enough, or that I’m broken or something.”_ Tiblyn’s voice broke, but she still kept it low so her parents wouldn’t hear her. “ _At least, that’s what Father Jeremiah told me when I went to confessionals. He said that I must’ve done something wrong and that this was God’s way of punishing me and that this wasn’t Mom and Dad’s fault. Is that true, Jemmy? What did I do wrong?”_ Jemilla held her sister tighter.

“ _No, bunny. This isn’t your fault at all. Just ignore the shit Father Jeremiah preaches. He doesn’t know what he’s talking about. God loves everybody, that’s his whole thing. He doesn’t control everybody though. What Mom and Dad do is on them. They did choose you, and every day I’m glad they did. Even if they’re assholes, they did two things right, and that was adopting you and SB. I’ll always love you, even if they don’t.”_

_“Three things.”_

_“What?”_

_“They did three things right. They adopted you too.”_ Jemilla nodded, knowing she was right. “ _And Jemmy? I’ll always love you too.”_ Jemilla closed her eyes and sighed. She and Tiblyn fell asleep in her bed that night.

☾◯☽

The girls woke up to their mother screeching about how they were going to be late to church if they didn’t get up right now. They walked over to their closet and began to get dressed. Jemilla put on a white linen blouse and tucked it into an olive green midi-skirt. She wrapped a belt around her waist and proceeded to work on her hair. She decided to simply pin back a few pieces in the front because it was easy. Tiblyn tucked a white shirt into a plain black midi-skirt and put a yellow cardigan on top. She tied her hair back into a ponytail and put a small bone clip on top of it. Both girls brushed their teeth before heading downstairs so they could leave.

Before they could get out of the door and make it to the car, they were stopped by their mother. “Tiblyn Grace, _what_ is in your hair?” Tiblyn sighed and removed the hair clip. She went to hand it to Jemilla but it was snatched out of her hand by her mother. “I will be keeping this. Where did you even get such a thing? It’s ridiculous and it doesn’t fit our image. I’ll be disposing of this later.” Jemilla could tell Tiblyn was fighting back tears, but simply put her arms around her younger sister and directed her towards the car.

“I’ll get you another one,” Jemilla said quietly as they slid into the car. Tiblyn nodded slightly. The ride to church was a quiet one. All of the kids, even SB, could feel their mother’s rage. It was radiating off of her like heat from the sun. When they arrived, they all plastered smiles onto their faces, knowing there’d be consequences if they didn’t. Tiblyn made her way over to her friends, as did SB. Jemilla spotted Alice almost immediately and walked over. She was standing with her parents, who were talking to the Martens. She greeted them and then walked away with Alice, who started talking the second they were far enough from her parents.

“I found another one.”

“Another what? Be more specific.” Jemilla responded, confused.

“Bisexual! What did you think I meant?”

“Alice, you could’ve meant literally anything. Also, I haven’t put a label on it.”

“I know, but she’s another one of me, so it counts. It’s my uncle’s girlfriend! We were talking while Paul was getting groceries and I accidentally made a bi joke, as you do, and she made one right back! When I tell you I gasped, I mean it. Audible and everything. It was truly a bonding experience. I honestly might like her more than Uncle Paul now, no cap.”

“Dang, just like that? Also, since when has Paul had a girlfriend? And when did you go to Hachetfield?”

“I took the bus after school on Friday and came back last night. They’ve been dating for months, apparently, and didn’t think to tell me! I got there, and there she was, sitting in his apartment. I mean honestly, I have tried to set Paul up on so many dates, I’m weirdly invested in his love life, and he didn’t tell me? The audacity.” Alice stood there with a look of pure betrayal on her face and Jemilla couldn’t help but laugh.

“I’ll tell you what, I’m proud of you for bonding with her so quickly even though you didn’t know who she was. Also, I can’t believe you went to Hachetfield ON PURPOSE. Like, fuck Hachetfield.”

“Fuck ‘em.” Alice concurred. There was one thing that everyone in Clivesdale could agree on and that was Hachetfield. They were the absolute worst, no doubt. This excluded some people, like Paul and his new girlfriend, who, according to Alice, must be protected at all costs because she was bisexual and also very small. They continued to talk before being signaled to make their way into the main building.

☾◯☽

After church, the Reed family went straight home. Tiblyn was sent to her room because of the hair clip, SB went to his room to try and do his math homework, and Jemilla followed him to if she could help. Mrs. Reed headed for the wine in the fridge and Mr. Reed went towards the liquor cabinet. Usually, only one of them had alcohol after church, but when both of them had it, it was a nightmare. The night would end in screaming, broken glasses, and bruised kids. Jemilla always tried to keep her siblings safe, but she could never keep them completely out of harm's way. At 6:45, they were called downstairs for dinner. Jemilla stopped her brother and sister before they went down.

“They’ve both been drinking.” They knew that was code for ‘Sit down, shut up, and keep your head low.’ The three of them walked down the stairs as quiet as they could and slipped into their seats at the dinner table. They held hands as their father said grace. Instead of lifting their heads like they normally would, they kept them bowed, trying not to make eye contact.

“Jemilla Madeline, stop fucking slouching. You’ve lived with us for how many years and you _still_ can’t sit up straight?” Jemilla straightened up but kept her gaze downward. She could feel her father’s eyes glaring at her, like lasers. “And you two,” He spat, moving his attention to his other kids. “What’s wrong with you? Too _scared_ to look up? Why? There’s no reason whatsoever to be scared. We would never do anything to you.”

“ _Yes, you would_ ,” SB said under his breath. Jemilla closed her eyes and took in a sharp breath. Why did he say something?

“What did you say to me, boy?” Their father roared. SB had closed his eyes now and shook his head. “Answer me when I’m talking to you, boy!” SB whispered, claiming that he hadn’t said anything. Mrs. Reed jumped in now.

“Are you calling your father a liar, Sebastian Blake? You have some nerve, son.” SB whimpered, trying his hardest not to cry. “Are you _crying_? I can’t believe this! Come here, son.” SB slid out of his chair and walked over to his mother, who slapped him the moment he was within reach. She moved to slap him again, but SB did something none of them had ever done before. He ran. He sprinted up the stairs and locked his door. His sisters sat there in shock. Their father yelled a string of expletives. He reached across the table and grabbed Jemilla by the collar, yanking her across the table. She squeezed her eyes shut as her father pulled her so close she could smell the alcohol on his breath.

“You tell him to do that, Jemilla? You tell him that if he runs off he won’t get punished? Congratulations, you were correct. _He_ won’t get hurt. You, on the other hand…” Jemilla was terrified. Something like this had never happened before. She hadn’t told SB to run off, he did that all on his own! “Tiblyn Grace, go to your room.” Tiblyn stood up and ran off to her room. “Now, what to do with you,” He jeered. Jemilla wanted to cry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm sorry. next chapter, we'll see that public schools in America couldn't care less about your wellbeing. i mean, they care SOME but let's be honest, teachers don't get paid enough to care about us. if you're interested in what the girls were wearing at church here's what jemilla wore: https://pin.it/4rSr4Fk and here's what tiblyn wore: https://pin.it/5Fk1sU3 (the only change for her's is that is was like an actual cardigan instead of a button-up) okay bye!!!
> 
> 1,598 words


	5. watch me as my world burns down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jemilla is In Pain

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what's up, kiddos? idk how i feel abt this one, but yk,,, it's good enough. i think when it comes to my writing, it can be summed up by "No Plan" by Hozier. bc i have no plan. i mean i have a semblance of a plan, but it's not v detailed. Jemilla's parents' names are Sean and Sabrina. 
> 
> TW: mentions of abuse, emotional abuse, bruises, hiding abuse, mini panic attack

Movement hurt. Jemilla’s entire body was covered in bruises from the night before but she still had to go to school. She slowly rolled out of bed and headed towards her and Tiblyn’s shared closet. She reached towards the back for one of her long-sleeved shirts and a longer skirt. Jemilla didn’t remember much from last night, knowing her mind must’ve blocked it out. All she knew is that long-sleeves would be an order for a week or two and that she couldn’t wait to move out.

Jemilla made her way down the stairs quietly before taking in the mess before her. Broken, multi-colored glass covered the floor. It appeared as though both drinking glasses and liquor bottles had been broken. If they had been used to hurt Jemilla, she didn’t remember. She surveyed the table, noting that she would need a strong cleaner to get the blood off.

The blood had come out of her mouth when she bit down too hard. She hadn’t meant to get it on the table but her parents were still mad. Jemilla got to work sweeping up the glass, scrubbing the table, and putting the dining room back together. Chairs went back to their regular position, as did the rug. By the time Tiblyn and SB came stumbling down the stairs, you could hardly tell that anything had happened. The only hints were the strong smell of cleaner and the pain that Jemilla was hiding. SB walked over to his oldest sister and gave her a light hug.

“I’m sorry, Jemmy,” he whispered. “I shouldn’t have run upstairs. I was just scared, I won’t do it next time, Jemmy, I’ll save you.” Jemilla hugged him tighter, hating that he knew there would be a next time. He shouldn’t be worried about the next time his parents were going to hit him, he was a kid, for god’s sake!

“It’s not your fault, buddy. You leave the saving to me, alright? I’m your big sister, I’ll always protect you.” Before SB could respond, their mother came out of her room, looking irritated. Jemilla knew that her mother most likely had a hangover, which made her decidedly less pleasant. Jemilla pointed SB and Tiblyn towards the table and went to start on breakfast.

“None for Tiblyn, Jemilla Madeline. She needs to lose weight, and so do you. Disgusting.” Sabrina reached for the Advil and shuffled over to the sink to fill a glass with water. Jemilla took a deep breath and shot Tiblyn an apologetic look. She made breakfast for her parents and brother before heading back upstairs with Tiblyn. Jemilla promised that they would stop somewhere before school and get something for her to eat.

☾◯☽

At 7:15, Jemilla ushered her siblings out the door and into her car. She dropped SB off at his school before driving to the grocery store to pick up some snacks for both Jemilla and Tiblyn. After both of them ate something, Jemilla drove her little sister to the middle school and dropped her off. When Jemilla arrived at her school, she was still in immense pain. She spent the twenty minutes she had before class started trying to find Alice, with no success. Hurting and disappointed, Jemilla trudged to her first period.

She spent the first half of the day hiding her pain by plastering on either a face of indifference or a smile. By the time lunch rolled around, she was exhausted and couldn’t wait to spend thirty minutes alone, with music filtering through her headphones. There was only one small issue with that. Jemilla, distracted by the soreness of her entire body, forgot about Zazzalil. Zazzalil, who had no idea what was happening at home. Zazzalil, who would probably want to talk, which ruined the aloneness that Jemilla was hoping for. She didn’t have the guts to ask Zazz to leave. Jemilla would just have to tough it out because she still had three classes left and she had to tutor a kid after school. What was fifteen more minutes of noise?

Normally, Jemilla would’ve sat up on the floor, but today was different. In the past, when Jemilla was in too much pain to move easily, she would lay down in her corner for all of lunch. Today, she did exactly that, still not remembering that Zazz would be joining her in fifteen minutes. She laid there with her “calm” playlist drifting in through her headphones. She closed her eyes, hoping to fall asleep, but knew she was probably hoping in vain. Jemilla began to relax a little, zoning out while listening to _Roslyn_ by Bon Iver. After what felt like a long time, Jemilla felt a hand on her arm. Without thinking, she recoiled sharply and let out a pained hiss. Her eyes flew open to meet pretty brown eyes that belonged to the very pretty girl that she liked.

Oh. Right. It was at this moment that Jemilla remembered that Zazz did, in fact, spend lunch with her. She sat up and adjusted herself, trying not to make a sour expression. “Are you okay, Jemilla?” Zazz asked. Jemilla nodded.

“Yeah, I’m just tired.” Zazzalil gave her a disbelieving look. “I’m fine, Zazz, I swear! My sister and I stayed up late last night talking, I’m fine, really.” Zazzalil continued to stare uncertainly before speaking again, this time in a whisper. 

“People who are ”just tired“ don’t jump back when they’re touched. I’ll admit, I should’ve asked, but still. Are you _okay_ Jemilla? Is your sister?” _Damn it. Damn it, damn it, damn it. How did she figure it out so quickly?_ Jemilla had been hiding bruises from teachers since the seventh grade and no one had ever asked her if she was okay and now Zazzalil gets it in 2 minutes? This was bad. This was very, very bad.

“Zazzalil. I’m. Fine. I ran into a door earlier and bruised my arm. I stayed up late with my sister and now I’m tired. Nothing’s wrong, and my parents didn’t do anything to me!”

Jemilla paused, realizing that she had fucked up.

“I never said they did, Jemilla.” Tears slipped out of Jemilla’s eyes. _How could she have been so stupid?_ Zazzalil pulled her into a hug and stroked her hair. “It’s okay, honey. It’s okay. It'll all be okay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> zazz knows!! yay!! what're they gonna do now? be sad? probably. be gay? definitely. not yet tho bc they don't know how 2 confess their feelings. also i changed all the chapter titles to song lyrics bc i love music
> 
> 1,053 words.


	6. when it finally rains, it's gonna pour

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> jemilla talks about her f e e l i n g s and her l i f e

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi kiddos we're back for another chapter! so: this one is heavy!!! shoutout to @FearTheRaven for helping with the 𝓯𝓮𝓮𝓵𝓲𝓷𝓰𝓼 conversation bc i'm trash at feelings. also i listened to starry yesterday and congratulations i'm obsessed. + zazzalil call everyone honey bc that's what i do
> 
> TW: panic attack, talk of abuse, description of abuse, mentions of alcohol abuse, filling in as a parental figure and i think that's it.
> 
> have fun, i'm sorry for any spelling errors i don't check :(

The final bell rang and Jemilla left as fast as she could. She was hoping that Zazzalil rode the bus and wouldn’t be waiting for her in the parking lot to try and talk to her. As she crossed the parking lot, she heard someone call her name and knew immediately. She turned to the girl she was avoiding running towards her.

“Jemilla!” Zazzalil panted. “Can we talk? Please?” Jemilla shook her head.

“No, Zazz, I have to go. I have to pick up my siblings and then go tutor a kid at the library. I appreciate your concern, but I’m fine. All of us are fine, no need for worry. I’ll see you tomorrow.” Just as Jemilla was getting into her car, she felt her phone buzz. A text from the kid’s mother said that the kid was sick and couldn’t come in for tutoring. Of course. Jemilla knew that her parents didn’t want her back at the house earlier than usual, so she had a choice to make. She could pick up her siblings and wait it out or she could bring Zazzalil along and talk to her because she still clearly didn’t believe her. She closed her eyes and sighed. “Do you ride the bus?”

“No, I walk home. It’s faster and I don’t mind. Why?”

“The kid I tutor is sick and I don’t want to go home sooner than I have to. If you’d like, you can come with me and we can,” Jemilla paused, deciding if this was really the best idea. It probably wasn’t, but she needed to talk to someone, and why not Zazzalil? “talk. If you want to. If not I can just take my brother and sister to the park or something, it’s up to you.” Zazz nodded and walked over to the passenger side of the car.

“I’ll text my mom.”

☾◯☽

“Who’s that?” Tiblyn asked as she climbed into the back seat, clearly confused as to why someone was sitting in her spot.

“Tiblyn, manners. I raised you better than that. Anyways, this is Zazzalil, she’s coming with us to the library today.” Zazz gave a small wave.

“Sorry if I stole your seat, but it’s nice to meet you,” Zazzalil said.

“Nice to meet you too,” Tiblyn said hesitantly. Jemilla began driving towards the elementary school to go get her brother while Zazzalil and Tiblyn made idle conversation. Zazz was apparently a very skilled conversationalist and could get along with anyone (her words, not Jemilla’s). Jemilla felt a little uneasy about leaving Tiblyn in the car with someone that her sister had just met, but she had to go into the school to get SB. 

He had had an okay day because, in English class, they had to write things they loved about their parents, and SB had struggled with coming up with ten things about each parent. “Jemmy, if we have to do that again, can I write about you instead? I like you better than Mom.” Jemilla knew that she had taken on the loving and caring aspect of parenting a long time ago for both her siblings. She had made them into respectable human beings, unlike their parents. She loved them more than their mother would ever love all of them combined. She just didn’t know how she felt about her siblings thinking of her as their mom. That was a whole other conversation for a very late night. 

“I don’t think so, buddy. I’m not your mom, I’m your sister.” They were nearing the car now when SB stopped short. He pointed towards the car and whispered to his sister.

“Who’s that and why did she replace Tiblyn?” Jemilla laughed and lowered her brother’s arm. 

“Don't point, it’s rude. That’s Zazzalil and she did not _replace_ Tiblyn, she’s just sitting in the front seat. Tiblyn’s in the back, next to you.” They continued walking towards the car. SB let out a sigh of disgust. 

“She better not touch my dinosaurs.” Jemilla laughed again and got into the car. “Tiblyn, if you touched my dinosaurs, you’re gonna get hit because no one touches my dinosaurs.”

Jemilla whipped around and stared at him. Her baby brother had just threatened her sister. Was this just “little boy” talk or was it her parents? Either way, she had to stop it. “Sebastian, what makes you think that’s okay? Hitting is never okay and you know that. Did you like it last night when Mom-” Jemilla cut herself off, remembering that Zazz was in the car. She took a deep breath. “We don’t hit people or threaten to hit people, alright? I know you love your dinosaurs, but that’s no reason to do that. Promise you won’t say it again?” Jemilla held out her pinky and SB laced his pinky around hers. “Good. Now apologize to Tiblyn, please.”

“Sorry, Tiblyn. I didn’t mean it.”

“It’s okay, buddy. I didn’t touch your dinosaurs, by the way.”

“Good.”

☾◯☽

When they arrived at the library, Tiblyn and SB ran off to the play corner to play with the legos. Jemilla and Zazzalil had an hour to talk. Jemilla was scared out of her mind and unsure of how to start this particular conversation.

“I don’t really know what to say,” she whispered. She put her head in her hands and stared at the table. “We were adopted, all three of us. Different times, obviously, but all at the same age. So, I’ve lived with them for 12 years, Tiblyn for 8, and SB for 5. The, uh,” Jemilla took a deep breath, feeling her heart rate pick up. She had never really had to say the words out loud before. “The abuse started when I turned 13. I mean, there had always been little things, but there had never been full-on abuse. It had started as emotional, psychological stuff. Then it became physical.” Jemilla’s hands began to shake. “And at first I stood up to them, but that just made it worse. So then I gave up. Fell into my unhealthy habits, all the while trying to keep my siblings safe.

“It didn’t work. I guess that after they started hitting me, they saw no reason to wait for the others to get to thirteen. They got spared for a little bit, but the day after Tiblyn turned 10, they hit her for the first time. And then right after SB made it to 8, they started hitting him. And we try to keep our heads down, we do, but they’re our parents! We can’t do _anything_ about it!” She made eye contact with Zazzalil, who was looking at her with what Jemilla could only describe as extreme worry. She snapped her gaze back to the wood grain of the table.

“But you don’t want to hear all the details.” she sniffed “I guess you probably just want to hear about last night because that’s the only night that’s relevant to you. Um, okay, so. Yesterday, we got back from church, and Mom and Dad started drinking right away which is never good. It’s okay when one drinks and not the other, but when both drink, it’s… not good. They were mad at Tiblyn for something dumb that they shouldn’t have been mad about. We went down for dinner and Dad made some comment about how he and Mom would never hurt us and then SB contradicted him. I don’t know why, because he knows better at this point. Then they yelled at him. Mom slapped him and was gonna do more but then he ran and they blamed me. Said I was the one who put the idea in his head. They sent Tiblyn to our room and then got started on me.” Jemilla’s voice broke and she put her head on the table. She felt Zazzalil take one of her hands and brush a thumb across the top. Jemilla took a shaky breath, willing herself not to cry. “They hit and kicked and scratched me all over. Not my face or my neck, but everywhere else. I don’t remember much, but I remember biting my tongue, which started bleeding. That made them madder.” Jemilla felt her breath pick up even more. She was starting to panic.

What was she doing? Why was she telling Zazz this? They barely knew each other. Her parents would get reported and then they would be split up. That couldn’t happen, she needed her siblings, and- oh god, what had she done? Jemilla couldn’t hear anything besides the blood rushing in her ears. She moved from the chair to the floor and pressed herself against the wall. _Breathe, Jemilla. Breathe_. She heard someone ask if they could touch her. She was confused, people didn’t ask to touch other people, they just did it. They hit and punched and screamed, they didn’t ask. She nodded her head to say that, yes, the random person could touch her. She felt herself get pulled away from the wall and a person replace it. They wrapped their arms around her chest and squeezed. It hurt. But it also felt good. Jemilla began to come to her senses. She was in the public library, her brother and sister were over in the play corner, Zazzalil was holding her, it was-

Zazzalil was holding her?? When did that happen? _Her arms are toned as hell_ the gay part of Jemilla’s mind supplied. Not. helpful. True, but not helpful. “I’m sorry,” she breathed out. From behind her, Zazzalil responded,

“No, honey you don’t have anything to be sorry for. It’s not your fault, it’s your parents. You couldn’t have known this was going to happen.” 

“But I can’t save them, no matter how hard I try. They always get hurt.” 

“That’s why you need to get out of that house, Jemilla. You can’t live like that anymore. You need to report your parents,” 

“No. Absolutely not. Zazzalil, I can not risk being separated from my siblings and I can not risk the fact that if the inspection turns up nothing, then the three of us might as well be dead! If it gets to be too bad, then when I turn eighteen, I can file for custody. But we’ll be fine so long as we keep our heads down. We’ve been doing it for years, we’re used to it.”

“Jemilla,” Zazz sighed. “How about we come up with a plan for if things get too bad?” Jemilla nodded and Zazz continued. “If it gets to a breaking point and you need to leave, take your brother and sister and go to the Clivesdale park. Go to the top of the slide and wait. Text me and I’ll come get you, no matter what time it is. I’ll protect you.”

“Won’t your parents care?”

“My mom would do literally anything to help someone. Very humanitarian. Trust me, Jemilla, if you need me, I’ll be there.” Suddenly Tiblyn was standing in front of them, looking a tad worried.

“Sorry to interrupt, Jemmy, but it’s five-thirty and if we’re taking Zazzalil back to her house and still want to get home on time, then we need to go.” Zazzalil let go of Jemilla and stood, moving to help Jemilla get up. They went and got SB from the lego table and went outside where the sun was beginning to set.

They drove to Zazzalil’s house and dropped her off and then drove to their house. When they entered, they smelled vodka, and Jemilla sighed. It was going to be a long night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> they talked about feelings!!! about goddamn time. the kids are gonna have a bad time but they're used to it. it probably won't be mentioned. also yay they have a plan z. at least that's what it feels like bc jemilla does NOT want to leave her parents house 
> 
> 1,929 words


	7. blow out all the candles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> there's drama, and not the fun kind

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> right so let me preface this by saying that i have never interacted with child protective services, nor have i been through an inspection by them. i do not know if this is protocol. aNYWAYS i wrote this whole thing without glasses on, which was dumb, but oh well. i also had to refrain from titling this chapter "YA HEE ICKY THUMP" bc i was listening to icky thump a lot while writing this
> 
> TW: ABUSE!!!!!!!! CPS visits, mentions of abuse, talk of running away

SB sat on the floor of Tiblyn and Jemilla’s shared room, doing his homework, while Jemilla sat on her bed, reading and Tiblyn stared at her algebra homework, confused. The house was silent, which was a rare occurrence. Sean and Sabrina had gone to a church event and had left the kids at home and told them to not fuck anything up. The three of them sat in a tranquil silence for a long time before SB decided to break it.

“When do we get to leave?” Jemilla and Tiblyn’s heads snapped up to look at him.

“What do you mean, buddy? Leave what?” Tiblyn inquired.

“Here! Jemmy was talking to that girl yesterday, isn’t she gonna get us out?” 

“Where’d you get that idea?” Jemilla asked him.

“Well, you were crying, and you only ever do that if you’re talking about Mom and Dad, and she seemed really nice. Also, Mrs. Taltz said that parents aren’t supposed to hit their kids and that we should tell somebody if that happens to us. And I-”

“What did you tell her?” Jemilla asked suddenly.

“Oh, I told her that she was wrong because our parents hit us all the time, but it’s not their fault. God made them do it, and we deserve it.” Jemilla’s eyes went wide with shock. She slowly leaned forward until she was completely bent in half. “What’s wrong, Jemmy?” Jemilla groaned loudly before sitting up and looking at her brother.

“Your teacher probably reported it to someone and then their going to send Child Protective Services who will come and try to take us away. They’ll split us up and put us back into foster care. Oh my god. I can’t believe this is happening.” Jemilla said with a groan.

SB looked up at her with tears in his eyes and was about to say something before the doorbell rang. All three of them looked at each other before Jemilla slowly stood up and walked down the stairs. She looked through the peephole and saw a man and a woman, both dressed in nice clothes. She didn’t recognize them from anywhere but could guess where they had come from. She took a deep breath before opening the door to greet them.

☾◯☽

“Hello, what can I do for you?”

“My name is Charles Kelley and this is Joan Elliot. We’re with Child Protective Services. We received a call from Clivesdale Elementary School earlier today with some potentially concerning information about the welfare of Sebastian Reed.” the man said.

“May I ask what the information was about?”

“You may not,” he responded gruffly. “We’d like to speak to Sean and Sabrina Reed and have a look around the house. Can we do that?”

“Oh, uh, no sir. They aren’t home right now and I don’t think that they'd like me letting people who we don’t know into the house. I’m sure you understand.” Jemilla responded, trying to get them to go away. Unfortunately, it didn’t work. The woman, Joan, smiled at her before speaking.

“We do, but it’s our job to perform an inspection, so we do have to come inside. We can do that while we wait for your parents.” Joan said with a smile. And with that, Jemilla opened the door all the way to allow them inside. As they began to look around, she ran upstairs to speak to her siblings. Tiblyn had moved to the floor to sit with her brother. When Jemilla entered the room, they looked up at her, asking for an explanation.

“Yes, it’s them. They’re going to look around the house and wait for Mom and Dad to get back. When they do, they’re going to ask them questions, and if they don’t see anything wrong, they will leave.” SB breathed out a sigh of relief, thinking that would be it. “However, if they leave after seeing nothing wrong, then Mom and Dad will be mad. Very mad. If that happens, I was the one who reported them, okay? It wasn’t you SB, it was me. Do you understand?” Tiblyn and SB nodded solemnly. The three of them headed downstairs to sit in the living room and wait for the social workers to be done. Jemilla wanted to follow them around but knew that that would probably appear bad to them. Instead, she just waited on the couch and played hangman with her siblings.

Once Joan and Charles finished poking around the house, they joined the kids in the living room, each sitting in chairs across from them. The kids were clearly uncomfortable but didn’t say anything. Joan and Charles made idle chitchat with the kids, trying to gain information about their lives covertly. At some point, Jemilla accepted the fact that they were going to be there a while and she might as well try to do some homework. She walked up the stairs and into her bedroom. She picked up Tiblyn’s algebra worksheet, SB’s assigned reading book, and her college algebra worksheet and textbook. She took a look around the room, to see if there was anything that the social workers would’ve picked up on. She decided that there wasn’t and headed back to the couch.

When Tiblyn saw that Jemilla had brought down her math worksheet, she threw her head back and groaned. “Noooo, Jemilla, please! It’s dumb and I don’t want to do it.” Jemilla smirked, well accustomed to Tiblyn’s feelings towards math. 

“I am aware you don’t like it, but you need to pass algebra so you can go to high school and take two more years of it.” Tiblyn groaned again. “You’ll be fine. Now, sit up and get started. I can help you if you don’t understand it.” Jemilla looked up at Joan and Charles, who were smiling. Once Jemilla finished her work, she went into the kitchen to make dinner for her siblings. It was simple (grilled cheese sandwiches for both of them) and was beginning to put the things away before realizing that Joan and Charles, who had been there for a few hours, hadn’t eaten dinner either. With that, she made two more sandwiches and brought them out. It was another hour before Sean and Sabrina came home, slightly drunk, and not pleased to find two strangers in their living room. Introductions were made and interviews started. The kids got sent to their rooms, so they didn’t know what was happening.

They could guess, though. Their parents were shouting at the social workers, saying that it was completely ridiculous that they were here. They were nothing but nice to their children, they gave them a home, after all. Their son had said what? They’ll talk to him later. Why are you still here? They didn’t do anything wrong. There was no proof. (Everyone who lived in the household knew that Jemilla’s body was currently covered in proof.)

The social workers left.

Angry feet ascended the stairs. One door was ripped open, a boy screamed. Another door was swung open. Two girls sat huddled in a corner, the older one in front of the younger one. It was meaningless. Their father strode towards them with a malevolent look on his face. He tore Jemilla off of Tiblyn and swung at the younger girl. Her head collided with both his fist and the wall. Tears fell out of her eyes, earning her kick to the stomach. He was yelling at them, but neither knew what he was saying, the ringing in their ears interfering. Their lack of response only seemed to infuriate him more. He turned to Jemilla and kicked her in the stomach three times. She braced herself for more, but more didn’t come. Instead, her father was leaving the room. She breathed out a sigh of relief, glad that it was over so fast.

She was wrong. Her mother came in next. They had switched rooms. Befoe Jemilla’s mind blacked out, she could only think that she had failed her brother and sister. She only wanted to keep them safe, but right now, none of them were safe.

☾◯☽

The next morning, all of them were in extreme pain. Their mother had excused them from school, saying they were sick. Neither of them would be home until 5:30. That means the kids had a whole day to try and alleviate their pain. They spent the day sleeping and changing out old ice packs for newer, colder ones. It was peaceful, in strange, demented sort of way. Jemilla had a few texts from Zazz and one from Alice. She decided to ignore both.

At 5:00, the doorbell rang. Jemilla assumed that it was a solicitor and waited for them to go away. In fact, the bell kept ringing, rather insistently. Begrudgingly, She stood up and limped over to the door. She looked through the peephole and saw Zazzalil and Alice. _Why were they here?_ She opened the door, only to realize that she was wearing a short-sleeved shirt and you could see her bruises. _Not good._ Even though both girls knew that her home situation was… less than ideal, knowing it and seeing it were two completely different things. She opened the door more to let them in, knowing that there wasn’t a way to make them go away.

“Mom and Dad will be back in thirty minutes. You have to be gone by then.” The other girls nodded.

“Jemmy? Who’s there?” SB called from his bedroom.

“Some of my friends, buddy. Go back to sleep,” she responded.

“Is it the nice girl from Monday? Is she here to help?”

“Go back to sleep buddy, we can talk later.” There was no response, meaning that he had either decided to go back to sleep or had decided that it was futile to argue. Jemilla led her friends into the kitchen and sat down at the table. They copied her and then looked at her expectantly. She sighed and put her head down. She didn’t want to speak. She just wanted them to leave.

“J-Mills, you can’t stay here. This is the worse it’s ever been. Come home with me.” Alice said, pleadingly. Jemilla let out a bitter laugh.

“Your parents would just bring me back here. They’re best friends with mine for a reason. They might not hit you, but they fight like no other. The only reason they haven’t gotten divorced is because Father Jeremiah says that divorce is a sin. You know that.” Alice sat back, knowing that every word was true. They lapsed into a small silence.

“Come home with me,” Zazz said suddenly. Jemilla’s head snapped up quickly, which hurt more than she liked to admit. “I told you, my mom literally would not care. She loves kids and is always talking about how she wanted more.” Jemilla just shook her head. “Jemilla, please. It’s not safe here, for you, or for your siblings. Please,” she stopped short as she saw a figure standing in the doorway.

It was Tiblyn. Zazz motioned for her to enter the room. “Jemmy, why can’t we go? Mom and Dad don’t want us anyway. What’s so bad about leaving?” Jemilla heaved a sigh.

“They would find us. They would find us and bring us back and then things would become a million times worse. If we can just wait a year, then we’ll be fine. I can get you two out and you’ll be fine. Just a year. It’s not that far from now.”

“But we can go right now. And things will get better right now. Jemmy, I don’t care if they find us, I don’t want to get starved and beat because of something I can’t control. Let’s go now, before they get back.” Jemilla glanced at the clock. 5:15. She sat there in silence, watching the clock.

5:16.

5:17.

5:18.

5:19.

5:20.

She took a deep breath and spoke, clearly and firmly.

“No. The time isn’t right. We’ll leave soon, but not today.”

“Before next year?”

“Before next year.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well wasn't that a doozy. i was really debating if jemilla should leave yet and i thought "no. keep her there. for drama. and angst." so yk.they'll leave soon, but not yet. also it's our longest chapter yet! isn't that exciting! okay bye!!
> 
> 2,002 words


	8. still, it kills me all the same

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a switcheroo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh ho HO ITS A NEW PERSPECTIVE!!!!! how exciting. not much to say about this one.
> 
> TW: mentions of abuse, descriptions of the aftermath of abuse

Zazzalil paced around her room, the gears in her mind turning at two times the speed they normally did. She was in a bit of a dilemma and there wasn’t a whole lot that she could do about it. 

She and her mom had moved to Clivesdale in early October after her mother had decided it was time for a change. Zazz wasn’t very excited about moving, considering she had lived in Fallsker Grove for her entire life, but she knew the real reason why they were moving. Zazzalil hadn’t expected to enjoy living in a weird state, like Michigan, but was surprised. She had made friends quite easily, all thanks to her superb conversation skills, and had even developed a crush on her first day of school. 

The girl she liked was… amazing in every single way. She cared about people and was kind, and brilliant, and very, very, pretty. Like, so pretty. Zazzalil could hardly handle it, but she did. She knew that the girl would never like her back because why would anyone like her? She was loud and obnoxious and stubborn, all the things her crush wasn’t.

She wished she could help her. She was dead set on staying with her parents, even though they treated her terribly. When Jemilla had told her what was going on on Monday, Zazzalil had wanted to take her home right then and there. It didn’t matter that they had only known each other for a month, Zazz just wanted her to be safe. But she didn’t want to leave. Jemilla wanted to stay with her siblings, even if it meant that they were in danger.

The day after Jemilla had told her, they didn’t speak. They just sat together in silence. If only Zazz had convinced her that day. On Wednesday, Jemilla didn’t come to school. If Zazzalil hadn’t known that something was wrong, then she would’ve thought nothing of it, she would’ve assumed that Jemilla was just sick. But she knew she wasn’t.

☾◯☽

Zazz walked into the library and headed for Jemilla and her’s corner, ready for another day of silence. When she walked past the bookshelf, she stopped short. Jemilla wasn’t there. It wasn’t like the last time that she wasn’t there. Last time, her backpack was on the floor. But there was no sign of her. _Strange_. She thought. Well, she could just spend the rest of lunch with her friends. Before she left, she sent a quick text to Jemilla.

☾◯☽

**Jemilla** 💖

hey! where r u?

r u ok?

☾◯☽

She didn’t get a response. _Something might be wrong. Go ask one of her friends if they know anything_. Zazzalil strode out of the library and into the cafeteria. She looked around, scanning for Alice Wilson, knowing that she and Jemilla were close. She spotted her at a table in the middle, surrounded by a group of people that were, according to Keeri, called “The Jesus Club”. All of their parents were very… invested… in church, and their ways rubbed off on a few of their kids. A lot of them, like Alice, weren’t like that. They all hung out together, even if they didn’t like each other that much. 

Zazzalil walked over to the table and tapped on Alice’s shoulder. She turned around and smiled, which Zazz thought was weird, considering she had never talked to this girl.

“Hi! Zazzalil, right? What can I do for you?”

Zazz cleared her throat before speaking, fully aware that the entire table was looking at her. “Uh, yeah. Um, I was just wondering if Jemilla was here today. I know you guys are friends and I just thought… I haven’t seen her today, so you know.”

Alice frowned and stood up. “Let’s go check the Physics Lab. She may be getting extra work done.” Zazzalil nodded and began walking out of the cafeteria and towards the science hall. They made it halfway towards Ms. Hopkins’ room before Alice stopped her. The hallway was completely deserted, but Alice still lowered her voice when she spoke, “What do you know about Jemilla?”

“Huh?”

“What do you know about her home life? Her parents?”

“I don’t know every single detail, but I know that they’re abusive. To all three of them.” Alice nodded, clearly thinking about what to say next.

“I think,” she paused, “I think that their parents came home from last night’s church function very drunk and angry for no reason. That’s what happened with mine, they were fighting all night. My parents don’t take it out on me, but Jemilla’s parents are different. Mr. and Mrs. Reed like to hurt their kids, and I think that last night it was really bad. They only ever call them in sick if there’s too much bruising or they’re showing clear signs of abuse.”

“Can we go see her after school? To make sure she’s okay?”

“I’ve got softball practice after school, but it ends at four forty-five. I can drive you over there and then back to your house.” Zazzalil nodded before starting to walk back towards the cafeteria. “Oh, and Zazzalil? I really like your style.”

Zazz gasped and whispered, “Are you?”

“Are you?” Alice whispered back.

“Are you gay?”

“Yeah I’m fucking gay, are you gay?”

“Yes, bitch!”

They both laughed loudly. It was then when Ms.Hopkins opened her classroom door and told them to stop loitering in the hallway. They looked at each other and ran back to the cafeteria, laughing the whole way.

☾◯☽

Jemilla’s arms had been covered in bruises. So had her sister’s. She could only imagine what her brother looked like. 

Zazz’s heart broke for them. She longed for them to be safe, to be out of that house, but they wouldn’t leave. When she was there earlier, Tiblyn had said that their parents didn’t want them. Zazzalil may have only met the girl twice, but she would take a bullet for the girl. She was so sweet and didn’t deserve to be unwanted.

So there she was, pacing the floor of her bedroom, trying to figure out how she was going to help get Jemilla and her siblings out of that house. Her mother, who had no clue that her house had been offered up as a place of safety, was making dinner downstairs. Zazzalil continued to pace until she heard her mother call her down.

“So, Lily, how was school?” Zazz didn’t like being called Lily, but she gave up a long time ago. Her mother was the only person in the entire world that called her Lily. Her dad had given her the nickname Zazzalil (subsequently: Zazz and Zazzy) and her mother had attached herself to the “lil” at the end. And, according to her mother, Lily was on a list of “Uncommon Nicknames For Elizabeth”.

“It was good. One of my friends was sick, though.”

“Oh, well. Once they get better, you should invite them over!”

Zazzalil nodded. “Maybe I will, Mom. Maybe I will.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> nameberry.com said that lily was an uncommon nickname for elizabeth and i was like yes this works. poor eleanor (zazz's mama). she doesn't know that three kids are gonna move in w her eventually. and by eventually i mean soon. maybe even very soon.   
> ALSO if yall know the tiktok that's referenced in here than congrats ur cool.
> 
> 1,138 words


	9. hooked on all these feelings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> zazz faces heteronormativity

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fun times we are still in zazz's perspective. the first convo b/t emberly and ducker is a convo @FearTheRaven had and let me use, so thank you vv much my dude. no tw's i think? lemme know if there are
> 
> sorry if there are spelling errors, spelling is hard

“Do you know what? Cynthia is just a midget moth in the giant butterfly house of life! But you, you’re a big, beautiful butterfly—”

“No, Emberly, I’m a lion.” Ducker interrupted, looking extremely serious.

“Oh. I never knew lions lived in the butterfly house.” Emberly responded, looking a little confused. Zazzalil slide into the seat in between Keeri and Ducker and opened her yogurt before daring to ask what Emberly and Ducker’s conversation was about.

“Cynthia, that BITCH, threw eight pencils at me during fourth period. EIGHT. And she didn’t get caught! Can you believe it? Ridiculous.” Ducker said, outraged.

“Were they mechanical?” Zazz asked.

“Yes?” he responded

“Well did you keep them? They’re expensive as hell and really good.”

“No, they’re [the shitty kind](https://media.officedepot.com/image/upload/b_rgb:FFFFFF,c_pad,dpr_1.0,f_auto,h_666,q_auto,w_500/c_pad,h_666,w_500/v1/products/808070/808070_o02_paper_mate_write_bros_mechanical_pencils?pgw=1) that you get from the school library.”

“Ugh,” she sighed. They really were the worst. They always broke after being used two times. Zazz shrugged and continued to eat her lunch. The others began to join them, with Grant and Chorn sitting on either side of Emberly. They all began to talk over one another but Zazz just sat there quietly, her mind elsewhere. Keeri nudged her and looked at her with questioning eyes. Zazz just shrugged and muttered something about “seasonal depression”.

It had been a week since Alice and Zazz had shown up at Jemilla’s house and tried to break her out. She had, of course, refused to leave. She had, however, promised her little sister that they would leave some time before next year, which would be great if it wasn’t such a large period of time. Zazz was worried though. Thanksgiving break would start next Monday, which meant that Jemilla and her siblings had to spend a whole week alone with their parents (except for Thanksgiving day and maybe Black Friday if her parents participated in that).

She finished her lunch before grabbing her bag and heading towards the library. Jemilla was there, reading her current book, _Every Last Word_ by Tamara Ireland Stone. Zazz had no idea what it was about, but it seemed interesting. She plopped down next to her crush and sighed.

“Wanna talk?” Jemilla shook her head. Zazz nodded in understanding and pulled out her headphones. She decided on her “Girls” playlist, which was comprised of Hayley Kiyoko, girl in red, and King Princess. She hoped that Jemilla would see and understand, but alas, she was focused on her book. _A shame._ She checked the time on her phone, seeing that she had twelve minutes to take a nap. Not very long, but she would take what she could get. She closed her eyes, leaned onto Jemilla’s shoulder, and drifted off. The bell rang and shocked her awake.

“Rude,” she mumbled as she stood up.

“That’s what you say every time the bell wakes you up,” Jemilla whispered from her place on the floor.

“Because it’s rude! I could be getting some quality sleep, but no! I have to go to class!” Jemilla let out a small laugh before standing up.

“I’ll see you tomorrow Zazz.” Zazzalil nodded and walked out of the library towards the art room. When she walked into the room, she spotted Grant and sat down across from him. He was texting somebody, probably Emberly, and had his latest project in front of him, a portrait of his cat that was incredibly detailed. Zazz reached into her bag and pulled out her sketchbook. She was having trouble deciding what to do next, but she was going to talk to Mr. Rameriez later that period to see if he could help.

☾◯☽

“Lily, honey, is that you?” her mother called from somewhere in the house. “Can you come here? I’m in the living room,” That was weird, considering Zazz’s mom always made her go straight upstairs to do her homework after school. She walked into the living room and saw her mother sitting in an armchair. Zazz decided to sit across from her in another chair. Everything she had ever done wrong in her lifetime was going through her mind.

“What’s up, Mom?” she asked, trying to mask her nervousness.

“Lily, don’t look so nervous! I just wanted to tell you that I’m writing a letter to Grandma Ellie. I was wondering if there was anything you wanted me to tell her. About school, or life, or any crushes?” Her voice went up on that last bit.

“No, Mom, I don’t have a crush on anyone” she said, like a liar. “Besides, crushes are for elementary kids.”

“There aren’t _any_ boys at your school that you have an eye on? What about that Grant boy? You’re always talking about him!”

“No! Mom, Grant is my _friend_ and he has a girlfriend. You know this. She was literally here like, last week to study with me. There aren’t any cute boys at my school.” There was one really cute girl though.

“Will anybody ever live up to your standards, Lily? I do want grandchildren eventually.” Eleanor said with a pointed look. Zazzalil groaned loudly, her face bright red.

“Mom I am _sixteen!_ You will not be getting grandchildren anytime soon! And, yes, someone will surely live up to my standards! Can I go do my homework now?” Eleanor nodded and Zazz ran up the stairs, desperate to escape the awkwardness that was whatever had just happened downstairs. She put her headphones on and blasted her “Girls” playlist. She knew her mother couldn’t hear the music, but it made her feel better.

Zazz simply could not believe that her mother hadn’t figured out that she was a raging lesbian by now. She owned seven flannels! She cuffed her jeans and knew how to rollerskate! What else did she have to do to make her mom realize that she was gay, besides come out? She laid there on her bed, listening to He’ll Never Love You from the Expectations album and sighed heavily.

She would come out one day. After she gotten married, adopted three cats and moved into an apartment somewhere. Maybe with Jemilla. Probably not though, considering Jemilla totally didn’t like girls. Even if she did, which she didn’t, she totally wouldn’t like Zazzalil. She pulled out her phone and opened the group chat with her friends on Instagram.

☾◯☽

**the tribe**

**zazz:** y’all wanna hear abt some heteronormative bullshit

 **keeri thomas:** omfg yes spill 

**zazz:** so my mom’s like “i’m writing this letter to ur grandma are there any BOYS you wanna tell her abt??” and i’m sitting here like no????? and then she’s like what abt GRANT even tho she literally met emberly last week and all she did was talk abt grant

 **Emberly W:** That is a Lie and you know it. You would not have passed that physics test without me.

 **zazz:** tru but you and my mom talked abt your bf like the whole ass time

 **Grant Berry:** You did? Aw, babe <3

 **keeri thomas:** straight

 **chorn:** straight

 **zazz:** straight

 **Ducker:** straight

 **Emberly W:** Y’all are single and it shows.

 **chorn:** wow okay you didn’t have to come for us like that

 **keeri thomas:** yeah. don’t be mean to us. we’re depressed and touch starved.

 **Emberly W:** Do you need a hug?

 **keeri thomas** : yes

 **chorn:** please

 **zazz:** constantly 

**Ducker:** if you wouldn’t mind

 **Emberly W:** You will all be getting hugs tomorrow because I love you

 **keeri thomas:** omg i’m crying

**zazz:** i gtg i have to do my algebra 2 hw

**keeri thomas:** can you help me idk what i’m doing

**zazz:** sorry man idk what i’m doing either. chorn will probably help u tho

**chorn:** yeah, i’ll help you

☾◯☽

Zazz smiled and turned off her phone. She moved over to her desk and stared at the worksheet. She would figure it out. She always did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im taking algebra two next year and I've forgotten everything from algebra one so yk.that should be fun.
> 
> 1,299 words


	10. when the rain washes you clean, you'll know

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> y'all remember how last chapter was lighthearted and fun? that's over now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what's up kiddos, we're back with a big chapter. many things happen!!!! both good and bad! for all my non-americans: thanksgiving is a holiday where you eat food and "give thanks". in my district, we get a week off for it but idk if it's the same everywhere else. black friday is the day after thanksgiving, but that's not important for this fic.
> 
> TW: base, mentions of abuse, gagging, yelling, eating disorder ( i think that's it )
> 
> spelling errors are my bad, spelling is hard

Sean and Sabrina Reed hated their kids. Anybody who knew them well knew that, but nobody knew why. The whole town knew that something was off about them, but nobody quite knew what it was. Maybe it was how robotic their kids acted around them. Maybe it was how much money was spent at the liquor store. Whatever it was, it wasn’t good.

While the public did know something was weird about that family, they didn’t know about everything that went on at their house. It had started off slow, with someone crying every once in a while, but recently, it had progressed to three kids crying themselves to sleep every night. Everybody hated it, but Sean and Sabrina hated it for different reasons. They hated the fact that their kids would not _shut up._ You’d think that they would be used to it, or that they would run out of tears, but no! Every night, someone ended up crying and it pissed them off.

Thanksgiving break was perhaps one of their least favorite weeks out of the year. Jemilla hated it with a passion. She had to spend the week inside and alone with her family. There was no reprieve this year, considering Sabrina also got the week off, unlike previous years when she had to go to work during the day. It would’ve been tolerable otherwise. Now, however, the kids were trapped with their mom, all day, for a week. They couldn’t leave and go somewhere else, like the park, like during spring or summer break, it was too cold. It was terrible.

Jemilla tried to keep her siblings occupied and quiet, but it didn’t work. Anything they did set their mother off. If Jemilla started speaking to help Tiblyn on her science homework, they would get yelled at. If SB wanted to get a snack, then he would get snapped at for being downstairs.

All in all, this week was possibly one of the worst weeks in any of the kid’s lives.

☾◯☽

Today was Thanksgiving. A food-centered holiday. You could imagine Jemilla’s excitement at the prospect of having to spend the day around a huge assortment of food. (Hint: she wasn’t excited at all).

They had been woken up terribly early to drive four hours to go to their grandparents’ home. Jemilla spent the whole car ride mentally preparing herself for what was to come. Her grandmother telling her she was too skinny, she needed to put some meat on those bones. Her cousins screaming and shouting, her parents drinking, going home. She was scared to go home. Jemilla knew that every year after Thanksgiving dinner, her parents would be drunk off their asses and ready to hurt their kids. Given how things had been going lately, this year would be especially bad.

☾◯☽

“Jemilla, is that all you’re going to get? That’s not very much. Why don’t you get some more green beans or something? A little meat on your bones wouldn't hurt, girlie.”

Jemilla sighed. She knew this was coming, but that didn’t mean that it didn’t hurt. “No, thank you, Nana. I’m not very hungry, besides, you know Uncle Bruce will want more.” Her grandmother shook her head and let out a small sigh.

“He always does. Alright, my dear, if you insist.” Jemilla nodded and moved towards the table. It was time to eat and she couldn’t escape it. At least Nana had a bathroom upstairs that the little kids weren’t allowed into.

Each bite was excruciating and it took every ounce of her self control not to make a break for it and throw it all up. She finished the majority of her plate and excused herself. She took the plate to the kitchen, washed it off, and quietly sprinted upstairs. She dashed into the bathroom and skidded to a stop in front of the toilet. Jemilla got on her knees and, with no hesitation, stuck her fingers to the back her throat to trigger her gag reflex. Everything burned coming back up, but she didn’t stop until the only thing coming up was bile.

Even then, she still felt disgusting. It what she deserved, anyway. How could she have sat there and eaten a whole plate of food? It was sickening. _She_ was sickening. Jemilla stood up rather shakily and made her way to the sink to wash out her mouth. Once her mouth was clean, she laid down on the tiled floor and sighed. Thanksgiving really was the worst.

☾◯☽

She drove her parents home that night. They were too drunk to drive and Jemilla would rather not die, thank you very much. So she drove her family home, hoping that they would her parents would be drunk enough to just go to bed. Who was she kidding? That’s what she hoped every year and every year they always found it in them to beat their kids.

This year wasn’t different.

She had hoped it was going to be different.

Why did she think it was going to be different?

Jemilla tried to get her siblings into their bedrooms before their parents got angry but it didn’t work. God, why was she so stupid? What made her think that any of this would work? It never did, she was just kidding herself.

“And where the fuck do you think you’re going?” Sean slurred after spotting Tiblyn and SB climbing the stairs. They looked at each other before SB stammered out, “To bed, sir?”

“No, the fuck you aren’t. Get your sorry asses down here. Don’t think I didn't see how you were acting at Nana’s house. Laughing like some god damn maniacs. Screaming at your cousins. You think you could just get away with that? HA! I don’t think so,” he said, his tone growing darker.

“Tiblyn Grace, come here,” Sabrina hissed. She had emerged from her bedroom, looking enraged. She was holding something in her hand that Jemilla couldn’t quite make out. It was an irregular shape, what she had no earthly idea of what it was. Tiblyn stayed where she was, her eyes trained on the object. “I said, come. here.” Tiblyn’s eyes were wide and she was visibly shaking. It was clear that she was outright terrified. “Come here!” Sabrina screamed. She didn’t move. Sabrina’s eyes widened in shock before narrowing in anger. She moved forward slowly.

As she came closer, Jemilla could see what her mother was holding. It was a vase, a very heavy ceramic vase if she was being specific. The type that could seriously injure a person. “Mom, what are you doing?” she asked timidly. Her mother slapped her across the face before promptly telling her to shut the fuck up. Everything started happening faster than she could imagine. Her father had started punching SB and her mother had pushed Tiblyn to the ground and kicked her in the ribs. Jemilla had started panicking, she didn't know who to help. Both of her siblings were in clear pain but she couldn’t help both of them.

So she didn’t. She just stood there, paralyzed with fear and panic. She felt herself lean up against the wall and slide down it. Then she felt her hair yanking her to the ground and then getting kicked in the ribs. She could tell it was her mother doing it because the pointed toebox jamming into her side. It hurt more than usual, which was saying something. Jemilla came back to her senses when she heard a crash. Her head whipped around to find the vase shattered in pieces by Tiblyn’s head. Sean was looming over her with a long, jagged piece of the vase held to her neck. He was asking her something that Jemilla couldn’t hear but it didn’t matter. This was the final straw for her. They would leave the moment their parents told them to go upstairs.

☾◯☽

It was two hours later. All of them were bruised, bloody, and in extreme pain. Jemilla heard her parents’ door slam shut and tiptoed out of her room and into her brother’s. She slowly began packing a bag for him. A week or two worth of clothes, all of his schoolwork, all the things that she knew were important to him. She shook him awake and told him what was happening. He gave her a pained smile and got out of bed so he could look around for anything else he wanted to take.

Jemilla slipped out of his room and into the bathroom. She gathered all of their toiletries and put them in a bag. In a smaller, separate bag, she put her blades. She knew that she should just leave them behind, but some twisted part of her couldn’t bear to do it. From there, she carefully walked back into her room. Tiblyn had already packed what she wanted, all that was left was for Jemilla to pack. It didn’t take very long.

After a few minutes, SB slid into their room with his bag and backpack. He was clearly ready to leave. Jemilla sat on her bed and put her face in her hands. Was she really going to do this? Uproot her entire life and show up at Zazzalil’s house at midnight?

“Are you okay, Jemmy?” Tiblyn asked her timidly. “We’re ready to go when you are,”

Jemilla nodded and let out a small sob. “I’m scared, bunny. So many things could go wrong.”

“But so many things could go right.” Jemilla laughed.

“When did you become so smart?” Tiblyn just shrugged in response.

“Let’s go now, while they’re asleep. C’mon, Jemmy. We have all the things we need for school and we have all the things we want. It’s time to go.”

Jemilla nodded, knowing that her baby sister was right. They picked up their bags and began to creep down the stairs. Everything was going perfectly and they were almost out the door. They were going to be okay, they were going to be safe, everything would be oka-

“What in God’s name are you doing? Get your asses back inside.” Sabrina. She should’ve known that one of them would’ve still been awake. But right now, in this very moment, she had a decision to make. Stay here and endure further abuse or leave? When you put it that way, the answer was simple.

“No,” Jemilla said with a very small amount of confidence.

“Jemilla Madeline, I’m warning you, get back inside right now.”

“No.” Her voice was growing stronger.

“What’re you gonna do? Run away? To WHERE? You don’t have anywhere to go. You’re just a small, fat, lonely girl who doesn’t know how to solve her own problems. You can’t solve anything by running away Jemilla Madeline. You-”

“STOP! JUST FUCKING STOP IT! WHAT DID I DO TO YOU? TELL ME, PLEASE! BECAUSE I DON’T FUCKING KNOW WHAT YOU WANT FROM ME!” Jemilla shouted at her mom. Sabrina shrieked, taken aback by Jemilla’s outburst. She opened her mouth to retaliate but was cut off. “Fuck you. We’re leaving and you can rot in hell.”

With that, Jemilla turned on her heel and ran to her car. SB and Tiblyn were already in it, waiting for her. She tossed her stuff in the back and started the car. She was shaking but was keeping it together. Her lips were pressed together in a sharp line as she tried to cry. Truth be told, she didn’t know whether she wanted to cry, scream, or laugh. Everything had happened so fast that it was frightening.

They drove in silence, with a few sniffs from Tiblyn, who was trying to hide the fact that she was crying. When they arrived at Zazzalil’s house, none of them exited the car. The lights were still on, for whatever reason, but no one moved a muscle. Were you just supposed to walk up to the door and say “Hi, I know that we don’t know each other, but I can stay here? That’d be great, thanks.” Jemilla put her head in her hands and began crying. She didn’t quite know if it was from stress or relief, but it felt good. After two minutes, she pulled herself together and left the car, her siblings copying her. They grabbed their bags and walked to the front door. Jemilla stood in front and knocked four times. The door opened after a minute to a shocked Zazzalil. Jemilla gave her a weak smile.

“Hi.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THEY LEFT!!!! WOW!!!!! HOW EXCITING!!!
> 
> 2,079 words


	11. tell me things you've never said out loud before

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> jemilla has Regrets

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey kiddos, we're back again. this chapter is a lil heavy. but guess what? i actually planned stuff out and there's at LEAST 12 more chapters. maybe more, but idk.
> 
> TW: implied/referenced abuse, panic attack(s)
> 
> spelling errors are my bad

Jemilla stood outside of her crush's house awkwardly. She knew that Zazz could tell she had been crying and she could feel the bruises forming. Tiblyn had a split lip but was trying to cover it.

“Hi,” Zazzalil replied, a little dazed. “You left?” Jemilla gave her nod and Zazzalil opened the door wider, letting the three of them in. She closed the door and walked over to Jemilla and gave her a hug, whispering that she was proud of her.

“Lily, honey, who’s at the door and why? It’s midnight for God’s sake!” Jemilla’s eyes widened. How was she supposed to explain this to Zazzalil’s mother? Zazzalil didn’t answer her mother, she just kept hugging Jemilla, who was on the verge of tears again. Her mom rounded the corner before stopping short. “Lily, who are these people?”

Jemilla pulled away from Zazz and turned towards the door, “We should leave, Zazz. Oh my god, they’re going to be so mad. It’s going to get so much worse, oh my-” She was cut off by Zazz pulling her back into the hug.

“You aren’t going back, honey. You’re staying right here, where you’re safe, okay? It’s gonna be okay.” Zazzalil looked at her mom and detached herself from Jemilla. Tiblyn wordlessly moved into Zazzalil’s spot as Zazz went to talk to her mother in the kitchen. Jemilla couldn’t hear what they were saying but she could guess that Zazz was explaining to her mom what was going. She stayed in the same spot, clutching her little sister for a minute or two before she felt SB worm his way into the hug.

“Why are you sad, Jemmy? Mom and Dad can’t hurt us here,” he asked. Jemilla let out a small laugh and was about to answer him when she heard someone clear their throat behind her. She snapped her head up and looked at Mrs. Cole, who began to speak.

“Lily has explained to me your situation. All of you are welcome to stay here for as long as you need to. The only thing I ask of you right now is to allow me to photograph your injures. If your parents find you and take you to court, you’ll have evidence of what they did to you. Is that alright?” They all nodded numbly. They had never done this before but it made sense why they should. “My name is Eleanor, by the way. I just want to say that I’m sorry for how you’ve been treated. I’m sure you didn’t deserve it.”

“We did.” said SB, “Mrs. Taltz said no one should be treated badly, but Mom and Dad said we deserved it and why would they lie to us?” Jemilla shushed her brother and apologized to Eleanor. Eleanor just shook her head and said they didn’t have to talk right now. They took the pictures and were sent to bed. SB had been given a different room from his sisters and while he was used to it, he didn’t want to sleep alone tonight. When he opened the door into the room where his sisters were, he wasn’t surprised to find them already in the same bed. He simply tiptoed across the room and crawled into bed. His sisters welcomed him without so much as a word. With that, they fell asleep.

☾◯☽

Jemilla woke up confused, not remembering what had happened the night before. She didn’t know where she was or why both Tiblyn and SB were sleeping with her.

Then she remembered. She remembered her dad holding a piece of glass to her sister’s throat and her mother screaming at them. Then herself subsequently telling her mother to rot in hell, then running away, and _oh no. Her parents were going to absolutely kill her._ This was not good, not good at all. She had to leave, the longer she was gone, the madder they would be. She sat up and started panicking. It was at that very moment when the prettiest girl in the world opened the door and locked eyes with her.

Zazz crossed the room, took Jemilla’s hand, and led her into what Jemilla assumed was her own bedroom. It was fairly messy, which Jemilla had expected from Zazz. It had one dark green wall and three white ones. Her bedspread was also white, which Jemilla hadn’t expected. There were hints of grey and brown and it was overall very earthy. There were even a few small succulents in the window. Her eyes fell back to her crush who was looking at her with worry. “Are you okay?”

Jemilla shook her head. “I have to go back, Zazz, I have to. They’re gonna kill me if I don’t. I’ve been gone for hours and the longer I wait the worse it’ll be. I have to go back, I have to-” her breath was quickening and she was struggling to get the words out. How did she make Zazz understand that she _could not stay here_? She started to zone out, stuck in her mind, unable to hear anything around her, and unable to focus. Then she felt someone behind her, hugging her tightly. The pressure hurt her bruises, but it also felt nice. It was pulling her back to the world. Zazz’s room slowly came back into focus and her breathing evened out. They stayed that way, with Jemilla on the floor and Zazzalil wrapped around her, for what felt like a very long time.

“You can’t go back, Milla. It’s not safe for you or for the kids. You’re safe here. You’ll be okay here.”

“They’re going to be so mad at me,” Jemilla sobbed. She turned her body so she was now facing Zazzalil. “I lived there for twelve years and then left. I said ‘Fuck you. Rot in hell’ to my _mother._ Oh god, Zazz, what am I gonna do?”

“You’re going to stay here, honey. You don’t ever have to see them again, I promise. And Milla? That woman was not your mother. Mothers don’t do shit like that to their kids. It’s okay to be confused. You lived there for a very long time and put up with a lot.” Jemilla let out a smaller sob and buried her face into Zazz’s shoulder. Zazz comforted her before they heard someone cry out from the room next door. Jemilla looked at Zazz, both of them disoriented. Then it hit Jemilla.

“My kids,” she said breathlessly. She stood up and ran into the next room, her eyes scanning the room to see what was wrong. She found SB sitting in the far corner looking fearful. She approached him slowly and took his hand. “Hey, buddy. What’s goin’ on?”

“You weren’t here when I woke up. Tiblyn was here but you weren’t. I thought Mom and Dad took you back.”

“Oh, no, buddy. I’m sorry. I was in the other room with Zazz. Don’t worry about Mom and Dad, okay? Because we aren’t going back. We’re staying right here.” She looked at Zazz, who nodded as if to say ‘Yes, you are.’ Jemilla smiled a little bit as she accepted that this was true and she wasn’t going anywhere any time soon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> jemilla sometimes calls tiblyn and sb 'her kids' bc while she was not the one who raised them, she's vv protective of them and feels more than just big sister love towards them. and they're staying!! *whispers* for now. good and bad things to come ✨ this is an angst fic after all ✨
> 
> 1,203 words


	12. i have seen what the darkness does

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> dinner w the fam

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi kiddos. this chapter was a BITCH to write. i've been trying to write this for like a week and every time i tried to do it, i couldn't think abt anything. so uh yeah. fun life updates:i have my learner's permit and can now legally drive. i also listened to "heather" by conan gray last night for the first time and i've found a new song for my sad playlist.
> 
> TW: tiny panic attack, eating disorder mention, implied/referenced abuse
> 
> spelling errors are my bad
> 
> (this takes place the same day as the last chapter)

They made it until dinner without another panic attack.

Eleanor had gotten home from work and started cooking soon after. For normal kids, this wouldn’t have been an issue. But the Reed girls weren’t normal when it came to food. Jemilla usually didn’t keep her food down for long after she ate and Tiblyn had developed a habit of eating her food as fast as she could so that no one could take it away. Eleanor, of course, didn’t know this, and neither did Zazz. Knowing something bad might happen, Jemilla started mentally preparing herself.

When they all sat down to eat, the siblings reflexively joined hands to say grace, as they had done every night since they had gotten adopted. When no one began speaking, Jemilla realized that Eleanor and Zazzalil might not say grace. She uttered a quick apology and began to speed through the prayer, not wanting to take up more time than she needed. When she finished, Eleanor began passing the food around to everyone.

Jemilla got as small portions as she could get without bringing attention to herself, hoping she could avoid her most hated question, “That’s all you’re going to eat?”. She looked at her plate and sighed internally. She really did not enjoy eating. Nevertheless, she picked up her fork and started eating small bites of her meal. Jemilla then looked up at her sister, who was also beginning to eat. Unlike Jemilla, however, Tiblyn was eating fast. Very fast.

Jemilla could see Eleanor had a concerned look on her face. It was possible that she was thinking that Tiblyn might get sick from eating too fast, or maybe she was just confused. Jemilla continued watching Tiblyn, trying to will her silently to slow down. Tiblyn, focusing on her dinner, was none the wiser of the two people watching her. Then, Eleanor reached out a hand and placed it on her arm. Tiblyn looked up slowly, confused.

“You need to slow down, Tiblyn. You’re going to get sick if you keep eating that fast.” Eleanor said, not seeing Tiblyn’s breath pick up. Jemilla, however, noticed. She knew that if Eleanor kept pushing, then Tiblyn was going to freak out.

“Oh, she’s fine, Eleanor. Tiblyn always eats that fast and she’s never gotten sick.” Jemilla spoke up, trying to divert the woman’s attention away from her sister. Ignoring Jemilla, Eleanor continued to speak to Tiblyn, who had gone back to eating.

“Tiblyn, I’m serious, you need to stop,”

“Eleanor, really, she’s fine, please just-”

“You’ll get sick, sweetheart,” Eleanor continued on, but this time she moved her hand to grab the hand that Tiblyn was holding her fork in. Tiblyn’s eyes went wide as she stared at the table, her breath quickening. Jemilla knew what was about to happen but really wanted to avoid it.

“ _Bunny_ ,” she whispered. “ _Bunny, it’s okay. Please don’t run-_ ” Jemilla was cut off by the screech of a chair against the floor. Tiblyn took off, running up the stairs to the bedroom that they had slept in the night before. Jemilla immediately ran after her sister, climbing the stairs as fast as she could.

When she opened the door and looked around the room, she couldn’t see her sister, which was concerning, to say the least. Jemilla checked under the covers of the bed and underneath it. Then she turned around and saw the closet.

Jemilla carefully walked over towards the closed closet door before gently tapping it and easing the door open. Her sister’s tear-filled eyes met her own from the closet floor. Jemilla opened the door fully, wanting her sister to exit the closet. Tiblyn, on the other hand, was not to keen on leaving the safety that the small and dusty closet provided. She shook her head and scooted backward, her back now touching the wall. She then patted the wooden floor next to her. Jemilla let out a small sigh and sat on the floor and put her arm around her sister. Tiblyn leaned her head on top of her older sister’s shoulder and began to let the tears fall. Jemilla shushed her and ran her hand up and down Tiblyn’s arm. A few minutes passed before Jemilla started to whisper to her.

“ _She was just worried about you, bunny, that’s all. She didn’t want to take it away. She wouldn’t do that, bunny.”_

_“How do you know?”_ Tiblyn whispered backed with a hint of anger in her voice. Jemilla looked down at her sister with shock.

“ _I don’t. But we have to trust someone, don’t we?”_ Tiblyn shook her head in response. “ _Bunny, she doesn’t know why you eat fast, we didn’t tell her. And she didn’t want you to get sick, she meant well.”_

_“Can you close the door, please?”_ Jemilla obliged and closed the door, plunging them into darkness. “ _We can’t just trust her, Jemmy. She hasn’t earned it. I’m sure she’s great, but I don’t want her to have control over my life. She can’t just control how I eat or what I eat or anything like that. That’s what Mom did.”_

_“I know. You’re right. But we do have to start somewhere. We can just tell her that you eat fast and that you aren’t ready to explain why. All of us do things that can be attributed to what Mom and Dad did to us. We only just left, we don’t have to explain anything we don’t absolutely have to. There are some things that we probably won’t ever explain, and that’s okay. Okay?”_

Tiblyn nodded and repositioned herself so that she could hug Jemilla. They stayed like that for a minute before someone knocked on the closet door. Jemilla reached up and turned the handle, allowing whoever was on the other side to open the door all the way. It was Zazzalil, saying that her mom was worried and wanted to know if they would come downstairs.

“You ready to go back, bunny?” Jemilla asked, directing her words towards her sister. Tiblyn nodded and untangled herself from Jemilla. When they got back to the table SB and Eleanor were chatting animatedly about dinosaurs and which ones were their favorites. Eleanor claimed hers was the stegosaurus and SB said his was the pterodactyl. When their conversation tapered off, Eleanor looked at Tiblyn, who was now sitting in between Jemilla and Zazzalil, with a questioning look on her face. Tiblyn simply looked down at her hands before turning to Jemilla and pointing at her. Jemilla took this as a sign that Tiblyn had no intention of speaking to Eleanor and that she wanted her older sister to do it. Jemilla began to speak to Eleanor, choosing her words carefully.

“Eleanor, we haven’t really talked to each other, so it’s natural that you don’t know things that can make us… uncomfortable. You need to understand that we endured a lot of things from our parents and we find it a little hard to trust adults. Tiblyn tends to eat faster than she probably should for reasons that she isn’t ready to share, and she might not ever share them. That’s her right. But if she comes to trust you enough, she might tell you. I won’t make her and I hope that you won’t either. We would like to trust you, but our trust has been betrayed many times, so it won’t be easy. You’ll have to earn it. And if you so much as threaten anyone of us, I will not hesitate to leave and I _will_ take my kids with me.”

Eleanor sat there, mulling over Jemilla’s words before she delivered her response, “I would like to earn your trust. I know that we don’t know each other very well, but I would like to. You have my word that I’ll never do anything to hurt you. I just want to help.”

Jemilla nodded in acknowledgment. It would be a process, but she sincerely hoped that everything would work out in the end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i was struggling w the closet part bc to my gay ass it sounded like someone was in THE closet and that really put me off for some reason. but it worked out :)
> 
> 1,334 words


	13. i love you, i love you, i love you like never before

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> zazz realizes something

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what's up kiddos we're back w a kinda heavy chapter?i think? i mean its sad, no doubt about it so. prepare y'allselves. anywhoooo i got a new puzzle and just finished it so that's fun. that's all i got.
> 
> TW for eating disorder mentions, self harm mentions, abusive parents mention and i think that's it.
> 
> spelling errors are on me

The weekend after Black Friday was quiet. Tiblyn was yet to say a word to Zazz’s mom, even though it had now been nearly a week since they had left their parent’s house. SB seemed to trust Eleanor with his life, even though they had just met. Kids were funny like that, though. Jemilla seemed to be in between a rock and a hard place. Zazz could tell that she wanted to trust Eleanor (she had no reason not to) but she also had no reason not to believe that Eleanor would betray them, just as her parents had done.

Everything was going seemingly fine until Thursday. Zazz showed up to Jemilla and her’s library corner to find Jemilla deeply in thought. “Wanna talk?” Zazz whispered. Jemilla shook her head and started playing with her hands. Zazz nodded and pulled out her phone to text Alice.

☾◯☽

**alice**

**zazz:** alice

 **alice:** what’s up zazzy

**zazz:** i’m bored

**alice:** come hang out w us

**zazz:** i’d rather not hang out w the jesus club thank you v much. some of yall are crazy

**alice:** that’s fair. you wanna play 20 questions or smth? but less bc 20 is a lot

**zazz:** so basically we just ask each other questions? sure. you go first

**alice:** do you have a crush on someone?

**zazz:** wow starting out strong. yeah, i do. do you?

**alice:** yes ;) do i know the person you like?

**zazz:** maybe so. do i know the person that you like?

**alice:** nope! is it jmills?

**zazz:** hOW IN FUCK DID YOU DO THAT HOLY SHIT

**alice:** i have my ways. you should ask her out ;)

**zazz:** absolutely not

**alice:** what??? why not???

**zazz:** bc alice 1) she doesn’t like me and 2) even if she did yk rn isn’t a good time

**alice:** well yeah ik THAT but goddamn she totally likes u back

**zazz:** bullshit

**alice:** no ma’am. why would i lie?

**zazz:** for funsies?? idk

**alice:** we have to go to class now but this convo is not finished. she’s totally into you xoxo gossip girl

☾◯☽

Zazz turned off her phone and scoffed. Jemilla looked at her questioningly.

“Alice is bullshitting me about something stupid,” Zazz said in response to Jemilla’s look.

“What is it? I could probably make her stop,” Zazzalil paused, thinking about how to proceed without giving away the fact that Jemilla was the girl that she was crushing on.

“Oh, it’s nothing, Milla. She just told me that the girl that I like likes me back. Which is totally ridiculous. She doesn’t, like at all. I mean, we’re friends and stuff, but she’s totally not into me.” Jemilla’s eyes went wide and her cheeks flushed and Zazzalil’s heart was pounding. The other girl was about to speak up when Zazz cut her off, “Anyways, I have to go to art, so. Bye!”

That was a close call. Zazz could tell that Jemilla was about to ask who her crush was and Zazzalil was _not_ about to tell her. Could you imagine Zazz telling Jemilla she liked her? No! It would go terribly! _That’s why I plan to never tell her. I will sit and suffer in silence. Oh well._ Zazz entered the art room and made her way over to the drying rack to pick up her canvas from yesterday. She was painting someone standing on the edge of a cliff, sort of like the “Wanderer Looking Over A Sea Of Fog”, but somehow completely different. Grant was constantly telling her that she should sell her artwork but Zazz just shook her head, saying that art was something she did for fun, not profit. His response was always along the lines of “I just don’t get it, but whatever. It’s your art.”

She never argued with him, because he was right. It was her art and she could do whatever she wanted with it, which included doing nothing with it. Usually, during art, she would talk with Grant or one of the other kids in her class, but today she couldn’t stop thinking about what Alice had said. There was no way that Jemilla liked her, Alice was just messing with her. _Or was she?_ As much as Zazzalil wanted to entertain the thought that Jemilla liked her back, she didn’t, because what good would it do? Jemilla didn’t like her like that. They were just friends who happened to live together despite having only met each other a little over a month ago.

☾◯☽

The bell rang out, signifying that the day was over and students were free to leave. Zazz made her way to the front of the school and waited outside for Jemilla. Zazz looked up the cloudy sky and pulled her coat closer around her. It was freezing outside, but at least she wouldn’t have to walk home, thanks to Jemilla, who had started driving her to school. She waited outside with some of the kids who got picked up by their parents, not really talking to anyone. She simply stared at the sky and waited. Minutes passed and kids left. Soon, only a few remained, including Zazzalil. She pulled out her phone and checked the time to see that thirty-five minutes had passed since school had let out.

This was concerning, considering Jemilla was one of the most punctual people she knew. They almost always left the school right after the bell so they could go pick up Tiblyn and SB. Why was today different? Zazz turned and headed into the school, telling a teacher she had left her physics textbook in her classroom and needed to get it so she could do her homework. That was a lie, of course, she kept her textbook in her backpack (which was possibly one of the reasons her back always hurt). She went into the school and headed to the library. When she pulled on the door, it was locked, meaning Jemilla couldn’t be in there.

She went down the science hall, seeing if Jemilla was perhaps in tutoring (she wasn’t). In fact, she wasn’t in any of her teacher’s classrooms, which begged the question _Where the hell is Jemilla?_

Zazz sat down in the English hall and sighed, out of breath from walking around the whole school. She sat there and thought about every other possibility: Jemilla left without her (Most likely not), Jemilla is in a meeting for something (Jemilla would have told her), Jemilla was hiding (From what? and where?) _I don’t know, maybe one of the bathrooms?_

Zazzalil threw her head back against the wall and groaned. The bathrooms were so obvious, why hadn’t she thought of that? She stood up and began to check the girl’s bathrooms. No one was in the ones in the Math and English halls, but one of the doors was closed in the one outside of the library. Zazzalil crept over to the door and knocked, “Jemilla? Are you in here? It’s me, Zazzalil.” Zazz wanted to kick herself. _Why was she introducing herself?? Jemilla already knew who she was!_ She heard a small sniff from inside the stall. “Are you okay, Milla?” 

“Go away, Zazz.”

“Mmm, I can’t do that honey. You’re my ride home. And you’re sibling’s ride home. Aren’t they waiting for you?”

“They think I have a meeting until five. They’ll be fine.” Zazz pushed on the door again, concerned. Jemilla almost never lied to her siblings.

“Please let me in, Jemilla. Whatever it is, I want to help,” No reply. Zazz took off her backpack and set it on the ground. She then sat on the dirty tile, trying not to get grossed out. She then took her hand and slid it under the door, hoping Jemilla would take it.

It remained empty for several minutes. Then Zazz heard shuffling inside the stall and suddenly her hand wasn’t empty anymore. Jemilla laced her fingers through Zazz’s and squeezed her hand three times. Zazz squeezed back, waiting for Jemilla to talk. They remained in silence for another couple of minutes. A small whisper came from Jemilla’s side.

“ _You’ll hate me,”_

 _“I could never.”_ Zazz murmured back, more sure of this statement than she had ever been about anything in her life. The lock on the bathroom stall clicked and the door slowly swung open to reveal Jemilla sitting on the floor with her head on her knees. Zazz immediately scooted into the stall and hugged Jemilla. “ _I could never hate you, Jemilla. Never.”_ Zazz whispered, stroking Jemilla’s hair. The taller girl shook her head against Zazzalil’s shoulder.

“ _You don’t know that,”_

 _“I do. I do know that, because there is nothing in the world that could make me hate you.”_ And it was true. At that very moment, Zazzalil came to the realization that she didn’t just like Jemilla, she loved her. That information would have to be processed later because it wasn’t as important as the girl in her arms. “ _What’s going on, sweet girl?”_

Jemilla shuddered and sighed. “ _When I turned 13, I suddenly wasn’t up to my mom’s standards. I was too fat, I guess. So she started feeding me less. Then I just started eating less to please her, but it wasn’t enough. So I stopped eating meals. I mean, I would eat them, obviously, but then I would throw it back up. I would make myself throw it back up._

_“Then the stress of it all became too much, so I started cutting. Nothing big, nothing dangerous. Just enough to help. And I kept doing that. I still do it. I only eat real ‘meals’ on Thursdays, with the exception of Thanksgiving, which is a whole thing in and of itself. Then I sit here for thirty minutes and try not to throw it all up. Still sure that you could never hate me?”_

_“Positive.”_ Zazz whispered back. She didn’t really know how to respond to everything Jemilla had told her, but she wanted to help, which exactly what she said to Jemilla. “ _Are you ready to go, honey?”_ She felt Jemilla nod and they stood up and grabbed their bags.

When they got to the car, Zazzalil held out her pinky finger, telling Jemilla that no matter what happened, she would stay by her side. Her crush smiled and interlocked her pinky with Zazz’s. Zazz smiled and slid into the passenger seat and folded her hands on her lap. She was gazing out of the window when she felt Jemilla take one of her hands and hold it. _I’m holding the hand of the girl that I love._ Zazz smiled to herself. It didn’t matter that Jemilla didn’t know that Zazz was in love with her, she never thought this would happen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ZAZZY"S IN LOOOOOVVVVVEEEEEE AWWWWWWW and alice is really trying to get them together. but they're gay and don't believe that the other person can like them :/ for zazz's art thing i really just chose a painting i remembered from my brief art history unit in the seventh grade. fun fact i get to take AP art history next school year so that's fun!! 
> 
> zazzalil also has so many nicknames for jemilla its so cute. idk if anybody else uses "sweet girl" or if that's a southern thing but i think it's adorable okay bye!!
> 
> 1,765 words


	14. it's raining,it's pouring

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> did someone say pillow fort?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you read that correctly kiddos: it's pillow fort time! and i wrote fluff, just for you. (it should be noted I've never written fluff, purely angst >:( i hope you like it)

It was a dark and stormy night in Clivesdale, Michigan. The wind howled outside the house and the rain splattered against the windows. Jemilla had started going around the house and closing all of the blinds and curtains to block out the lightning that lit up the sky every few minutes. Her brother and sister were currently sitting on her bed with Zazz on the floor while Tiblyn read _True (… sort of)_ by Katherine Hannigan out loud. Jemilla had already read the book and didn’t mind missing a few pages, but Zazzalil was glued to the floor.

Jemilla had always enjoyed listening to and watching the rain but her siblings were different. SB was scared of the thunder and Tiblyn didn’t like all of the things that the rain brought with it, such as frogs, snails, and the possibility of flooding. She had accidentally stepped on far too many snails for her liking and she hated killing them (“They don’t deserve it, Jemmy! They didn’t do anything!”). Jemilla found it the tiniest bit funny, but she understood where her sister was coming from.

SB had gotten into the habit of joining his sisters whenever it started raining, knowing that they could protect him. So, when the first thunderclap sounded earlier that evening, he made his way into his sisters’ room and planted himself on Jemilla’s bed. He snuggled up to his oldest sister and hid under her blanket. Tiblyn had grabbed the book and sat on the foot of Jemilla’s bed. She had just started reading when Zazz had popped in and realized what was happening. Instead of commenting, she sat on the floor and closed her eyes, content to listen to Tiblyn read. They stayed like that for a little bit until the rain really started picking up and Jemilla had to extract herself from her brother to shut the blinds. She probably could’ve just closed them in her room, but SB would have to leave her room eventually and she wanted him to feel as safe as he could when he left the room. By that point, Tiblyn was already ten chapters into the book and Zazzalil was lying on the floor.

When Jemilla got back, everybody was still in the same position, except for SB, who had burrowed completely under the covers. Jemilla slid onto the bed and tapped his back from over the blankets. His head poked out and she smiled at him. He wrapped his arms around her waist and she put the blankets back over his head. Tiblyn continued to read and Zazz continued to lay on the floor. Jemilla was pretty sure she was asleep but wasn’t 100% positive. They all sat in their respective positions, calmed into somewhat of a lull. Then Tiblyn stopped reading and the vibes of the room completely changed. Zazzalil opened her eyes, SB snuck the top half of his head out of the blanket, and Jemilla looked up. Tiblyn’s eyes were wide and she held up her hands defensively.

“I need to take a break. My throat hurts,” A rumble of thunder shook the house and SB let out a squeak as he disappeared under the covers and his grip on his sister tightened.

“Let’s make a pillow fort!” Zazz said all of a sudden, sitting up straight, the excitement clear on her face. Jemilla shared a confused look with Tiblyn before staring at Zazz.

“A … what?” Tiblyn asked tentatively.

“A pillow fort! Or a blanket fort! I mean, they're the same thing but still! How do you not know what a blanket fort is?” Zazzalil asked in complete shock. When Jemilla and Tiblyn just looked at her blankly, Zazz began describing pillow forts in great detail. By the time she was done, SB’s entire head was out from under the covers and the book had been closed. “…so. Do you want to do it or not?” Zazz asked, slightly out of breath from her fervor.

“YES!” SB exclaimed. “But Jemmy, you have to promise to protect me. I can’t stay under the blankie while building a fork.” All of the girls burst out laughing while SB sat there looking befuddled. “What? What’s so funny?” They continued to laugh, all of them unable to explain through their giggles. Finally, Jemilla was able to pull herself together enough to tell him.

“It’s for _t,_ buddy, with a ‘t’, not a ‘k’. For _t,_ not for _k_.”

“Oh.” was all that he said with a look that seemed like he was questioning everything in his life. Jemilla untangled her body from her brother’s arms and held out her hand. He took it and got out of her bed. They all walked downstairs into the living room and began to work.

☾◯☽

Zazz and Tiblyn stripped all of the chairs of their cushions and piled them into the center of the room while Jemilla turned on the lamps. She wasn’t really in the mood for harsh overhead lighting and lamps always gave a warm ambiance. SB went around the out and found as many blankets as he could. When he stumbled back into the room, the pile of blankets in his arms towered over him. Jemilla smiled and turned away for half a second and when she looked back SB was face down on top of the heap of blankets.

“You okay, bud?” SB stuck his arm out with a thumbs-up. Jemilla nodded and turned back to the cushion pile. Zazz was directing Tiblyn where certain pillows should go. Instead of helping, Jemilla just watched Zazzalil. The lamplight gave her face a warm glow that made her look even more beautiful. She had a big smile across her face that reached her eyes. Zazz looked back at her and Jemilla quickly shifted her gaze elsewhere, blushing slightly. _Goddamn, she’s beautiful._

 _“_ You gonna help us, Milla? Or are we gonna have to do all the work ourselves?” Zazzalil called out. Jemilla blushed harder and walked over to the couch. The back pillows were all in their normal positions but there weren’t any seat cushions. The middle one was on the floor next to the couch and the two side ones were leaning against the arms of the couch “for height”. Several other pillows were placed on the ground next to the couch to try and build up the height. SB was placing the smaller blankets on the ground in front of the couch, saving the big one to be stretched overtop all of the pillows.

It had been nearly thirty minutes since they started building and SB was yet to bolt upstairs and bury his entire body under the blankets of his sister’s bed. Every time there was a peal of thunder, he simply grabbed Jemilla by the waist and held on to her until the scariness faded away.

Jemilla was unsure of Zazzalil’s newest instruction: get two of the kitchen chairs and bring them into the living room. “Are you sure your mom won’t mind us changing around the furniture?” she asked apprehensively. Zazz nodded and answered.

“Mom, Dad, and I used to make forts all the time when I was little, she’s totally okay with it. Besides, it’s just chairs. We can easily put them back in the kitchen when we’re done,” Jemilla nodded and headed for the kitchen. Her mom had never let them move any of the furniture. Then again, her mom also never let them make pillow forts. Once the chairs were in position, Zazzalil and Jemilla spread the biggest blanket that SB had brought on top of all of the cushions and chairs. Zazzalil crawled inside and leaned her head against the bottom of the couch. “ _This_ is how you make a pillow fort, guys. This is epic,” she said with an air of satisfaction. The rest of them climbed in and Jemilla had to agree. This was totally awesome.

☾◯☽

The oldest two girls left the fort (named Fort Gerald by Tiblyn) to make hot chocolate for all of them while the younger kids watched _Phineas and Ferb_ on Zazzalil’s laptop. They didn’t talk until all of the ingredients were in the pot and being stirred.

“Are you sure your mom won’t get mad when she comes back from her work trip?” Jemilla asked quietly.

“One hundred percent. She’ll think it’s cute.” Zazz responded, matching Jemilla’s volume. Jemilla nodded and watched Zazz stir the pot. They remained in silence for several minutes until Jemilla broke it.

“Thank you for doing this. This is the happiest I’ve seen them in,” Jemilla paused and looked up at the ceiling. “A very long time. So thank you, Zazzalil. Or should I say ‘Lily’?” Zazzalil threw her head back and groaned while Jemilla laughed.

“Noooo, you should not. I honestly hate that name but she’s stuck with it. My mom doesn’t give up easily, I’ll give her that. But seriously, do not call me that.” Zazz let out a small laugh and sighed. “I like seeing you guys happy. You deserve it. Now, tell me, Jemilla. Did your first pillow fort live up to your expectations?”

“Yes, yes it did. It may have even exceeded my expectations.”

“As it should’ve.”

The girls poured the hot chocolate into mugs and headed back to the living room, where SB and Tiblyn were giggling at Dr. Doofenschmirtz yelling “ _Curse you, Perry the Platypus!”_ They continued to watch three more episodes before Jemilla determined it was bedtime for SB and Tiblyn, given that the former of the two was literally falling asleep in her arms, which she saw as a miracle. SB _hated_ sleeping during storms, but there he was, drifting away in a homemade blanket fort. She helped him get ready for bed before coming back downstairs and laying on the floor with Zazzalil.

She felt the other girl’s hand touch hers and she instinctively laced her fingers in between her crush’s. After laying like that in silence for a while, Jemilla curled into Zazz, letting the shorter girl hold her. It was nice, being held instead of holding other people. Though she hadn’t planned on sleeping in the pillow fort, Jemilla felt herself drifting off with only one thought:

_I wish you knew how much I liked you._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tiblyn's feelings about crushing snails comes from personal experience bc i have accidentally killed so many snails it makes my soul hurt. true (...sort of) is a fantastic book you should read it, even if it's for a lower reading level. ummm what else oh yeah Fort Gerald is named after my 10 rainbow order paper cranes who are all named Gerald (except for the patterned one; he is the Leader and his name is Supreme Gerald). 
> 
> y'all see that gay shit at the end?
> 
> 1,707 words


	15. my heart has a little crush on you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> jemilla's crush 100% does NOT like her back
> 
> ...right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what's up kiddos? we've got some more fluff about mid-terms week! i mean, it's the day before mid-terms start but whatever. maybe i'll do an unplanned chapter and have mid-terms, who knows?
> 
> TW implied/referenced ednos
> 
> spelling errors are on me

The school library was unusually busy that week, much to Jemilla’s dismay. Mid-terms were starting tomorrow and everyone was cramming. Jemilla considered herself moderately prepared for her mid-terms but she knew Zazz was currently cramming for hers. They had spent Monday’s lunch in silence while Zazz poured over her history textbook. Zazz had also started bringing in food for Jemilla to eat while they sat together. It wasn’t a lot, just an apple or yogurt, or something else of that variety to try and slowly build Jemilla’s tolerance for food back up. It was a process neither of them enjoyed but it had to be done (according to Zazzalil. If you asked Jemilla, she would say she was just fine).

So there they were, sitting on the library floor on a Tuesday, Zazzalil staring at her Algebra II notes with a look of complete confusion and Jemilla begrudgingly eating applesauce, when someone turned onto their aisle and whisper-yelled, “ _JESSICA! DID YOU SLEEP WITH YOUR GOD DAMN TEACHER?!_ ” Both girls’ heads snapped up to see Alice standing at the end of the row with an expectant look on her face.

“Alice, what does that mean?” Jemilla asked, thoroughly confused. She was pretty sure there wasn’t a Jessica on their grade.

“ _Mr. Wilson?”_ Zazz whisper-yelled back at Alice, who was grinning hugely. She nodded, trying to look serious (she was failing).

“ _MR. WILSON!”_

_“NOOO!!”_ Zazz gasped with a look of utter shock on her face. Jemilla looked back and forth between the two trying to decide how to respond.

“Who the fuck is Jessica?” Alice put her hand over her heart and looked up at the ceiling.

“She was failing chemistry, Jemilla,” she said as though it was obvious.

Zazz patted her hand and simply said, “It’s a meme, honey,” and went back to her Algebra notes. Jemilla was still perplexed. She didn’t know a Jessica and she was pretty damn sure Alice didn’t either. Was Mr. Wilson her father? Jemilla didn’t know and buried her head in her hands, trying not to think about it too much.

Alice walked down the aisle, running her finger along the spines of all the books before sitting down and leaning against one of the shelves. She reached into her lunchbox and pulled out a small packet of fruit snacks and looked at Jemilla, who had gone back to messing with her applesauce and held out her packet, signaling she wanted to trade. Jemilla contemplated her offer and shook her head. Alice sighed and reached back into her lunchbox and pulled out a small juice box. She looked at Jemilla and raised her eyebrows, silently asking _Is this enough?_ Jemilla nodded and they switched foods, both satisfied with what they got.

They sat in silence for a little bit before Alice cleared her throat and spoke. “My fellow gays, I have an announcement.” Zazzalil coughed rather violently and looked at Alice with a strange look on her face. Jemilla didn't know what that was about, so she just ran her hand up and down her crush’s back and looked at Alice who winked at Zazz. “I, Alice Wilson, have successfully acquired a girlfriend.” Jemilla’s mouth flew open.

“Oh my god, Ally! Did you finally ask Grace out?” Jemilla said with a giggle. She knew this was serious and a very big moment for Alice but she couldn’t help herself. Alice looked at Jemilla with narrowed eyes before continuing.

“No, J-Mills. I don’t like Grace like that anymore. You know that. No, my girlfriend lives in Hachetfield, and her name is Deb. She is the cutest person in the whole world and if either of you tells my parents, I will destroy your kneecaps. Do you wanna see a picture?” Zazz and Jemilla looked at each with slight concern before shrugging and agreeing to see a picture of Deb. She had auburn hair and wore a yellow beanie along with a green flannel and converse. Alice continued to talk about Deb for the rest of the lunch period with a dreamy look on her face.

☾◯☽

The bell rang and the three of them stood up and said their goodbyes. Zazz turned left out of the library to go to the art room. Alice should’ve followed her to get to the choir room but she didn’t. Instead, she turned right with Jemilla and walked beside her. Jemilla turned and looked at her, “What are you doing? The choir room is that way-”

“Ask her out.” Alice cut Jemilla off, her face completely sober.

“Absolutely not, Ally.”

“Why the fuck not?”

“She doesn't like me and I’m living with her. What if she rejects me? I’m not willing to jeopardize Tiblyn and SB’s safety just because I wanted a girlfriend. I can’t risk it.”

“She so likes you back, my dude. She looks at you the way I looked at Grace when you’re not looking. I was basically in love with that girl, and if I didn’t know any better, I’d say she’s in love with you too.” Jemilla looked at Alice, exasperated. Alice just stared back with pleading eyes. “Think about it, J-Mills. I’ve gotta go or else I’m gonna be late but for real, think about what I said.” Just like that, Alice was gone, sprinting down the halls to make it on time.

Jemilla shook her head and walked into her English class, pulling out her copy of _The Scarlet Letter._ Alice was totally wrong. Right? _Whatever_.

☾◯☽

Alice’s words stayed on her mind all day. Even when Jemilla tried to force them out, they always snuck back in, even during her student council meeting. The principal had to call on her several times to get her attention, which was hugely embarrassing for her. When the meeting let out, Jemilla walked as slow as she could to the front of the school, knowing Zazzalil would be waiting for her. She decided to talk to the freshman class president, Ava. One thing about Ava was that she had the confidence of a thousand burning suns and loved to talk. She was also short, meaning that walking with her would take longer than normal.

They spent the whole walk to the front of the school talking about the musical the school was putting on. It was _Brigadoon_ and Ava was extremely opposed to it considering Hachetfield High School was also doing it. “Hachetfield does it every goddamn year, which Mrs. Crane _knows_ but she still insisted on doing it! No one even likes _Brigadoon,”_ she said rather snarkily, “We all voted for Seussical, but NO! We’re doing goddamn _Brigadoon.”_ They had arrived at the front of the school and Ava peered out the window and waved at Jemilla, claiming her dad was there to pick her up. Jemilla waved back and looked around for Zazzalil.

It wasn’t that hard to find her, considering she was the only person in the front hall. Zazz smiled when she saw here and stood up from her seat on the floor, ready to go. _Did she always smile when she saw Jemilla? No, right? That wouldn’t make sense, you don’t smile every single time you see someone. Unless…_ No. Jemilla stopped her train of thought and walked out to her car. They drove to pick up her siblings and while they were telling her about her day, Jemilla was only half listening. Neither of them noticed, or if they did, they didn’t call her out on it.

By the time Jemilla got to bed, her mind was racing with the possibility that her crush liked her back. It was exciting to think about, but who was she kidding? She had to face the facts:

There was no way Zazz liked her.

...Right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> alice really said "y'all r dumb just kiss already" also the JESSICA thing has been stuck in my head all goddamn day so that's why it there (it's also just funny). poor jemilla does not understand meme culture 😞 idk what else to say so... bye!! see y'all next time!!
> 
> 1,292 words


	16. (hard times) gonna make you wonder why you even try

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> zazzalil is an i d i o t

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what's up kiddos? heard the news? JOEY AND LAUREN ARE ENGAGED AAAAAAAAAAAAAHUGFBJBSJGDDBFJHB HOW EXCITING !!!!!!!!! just remember that if you shipped them before this, ur not "right".u made assumptions abt their personal lives (which had nothing to do w you.) shipping real people is not cool.
> 
> this one is just texting but it takes place on the same day as last chapter. no tw's, just fun
> 
> this chapter: spelling is probably on purpose

**alice w**

**zazz:** bitch

**zazz:** alice

**zazz:** aliccccceeeeeeee

**zazz:** a l i c e o h m y g o d

**alice w:** tf do you want i’m in choir??

 **zazz:** don’t y’all have a sub today tho? meaning you ain’t doing shit?

**alice w:** well yeah

**zazz:** i see no issue in texting you rn

**alice w:** valid wtf do you want

 **zazz:** WHAT DO YOU MEAN FELLOW GAYS????!!!??1!!@ JEMILLAS NOT GAYYYYY

**alice w:** well, yes, but actually no

**zazz:** WHAT DOES THAT MEANNNNNNNN

 **alice w:** she’s yet to ~put a label on it~

**alice w:** but she’s totally into girls

 **zazz:** WHAT 

**zazz:** GIRLS

**zazz:** IM-

**zazz:** IM A GIRL

 **alice w:** i know?

 **zazz:** DOES THAT MEAN SHE COULD LIKE ME????

**alice w:** BITCH WHAT HAVE I BEEN TELLING YOU? THAT GIRL IS SO INTO YOU

**alice w:** IDIOT

**zazz:** IM SORRY BUT ARE YOU SERIOUS

**alice w:** what reason would i have to lie zazzy?

 **zazz:** idk maybe u want jemilla to urself

**zazz:** or maybe you want to have blackmail or smth i don’t know

 **alice w:** jmills is my best friend and i would never. i'm so fucking trustworthy. like i’ve only told one person where she is and thats a sign of true friendship no cap

 **zazz:** what??? who??? why???

 **alice w:** my dad

 **alice w:** he won’t tell her parents or my mom don’t worry

 **zazz:** how do you know?

 **alice w:** my dad is too nice and he’s a surprisingly good actor i think he did theater in high school or smth

**alice w:** he’s also working on getting a divorce from my mom but like she doesn’t know and he thinks i don’t know

 **alice w:** so

 **zazz:** good 4 ur dad ur mom sounds terrible. hope he gets custody

 **alice w:** me too but like i said he’s too nice he probably won’t fight mom

 **zazz:** oof sorry my dude

 **alice w:** it happens ig

 **alice w:** aNYWAYSSSSS ARE YOU GONNA ASK JMILLS OUT

 **zazz:** lol no

 **alice w:** WHY. NOT.

**zazz:** bc she doesnt like me

 **alice w:** …

 **alice w:** fml

**zazz:** alice?

**zazz:** are u gonna say anything else?

 **zazz:** okay it’s been a solid 5 minutes what did i do

**zazz:** ttyl? i guess? alice??? im sorry???

☾◯☽

**the tribe**

**zazz:** any of y’all in choir rn?

**Emberly W:** Stop texting during class, Zazzalil.

**zazz:** hypocrite

 **chorn:** hypocrite

**keeri thomas:** hypocite

**Emberly W:** Okay, I get it. Zazz, why do want to know if someone’s in choir?

 **zazz:** bc i was talking to alice wilson and she stopped and i need someone to get her to text me back

**keeri thomas:** alice from the jesus club??? ur friends w her?? can u hook me up bc she’s hot af

 **chorn:** i’m in choir rn

**zazz:** you are???? you??? can sing???? @keeri no i cannot

 **chorn:** like a mf boss

 **chorn:** what do want me to say to alice?

**zazz:** tell her to respond bc idk wtf i did and she’s being Not Helpful

**chorn:** mk

**keeri thomas:** @zazz WHY NOT

**zazz:** ik for a fact she’s not into u she’s got someone in her life

**keeri thomas:** :(

**chorn:** alice says ur being stupid and that u know what you did

**zazz:** BUT I DON’T?????

**chorn:** idk thats all she said

**Emberly W:** Zazz, Chorn did what you asked, please stop texting us during class.

**zazz:** only bc grant looks like he’s abt to take my phone if i don’t stop

**Grant Berry:** I will.

**zazz:** ominous. i’ll talk to y’all later bye

**keeri thomas:** bye!!!!

☾◯☽

**alice w**

**zazz:** so let’s say, hypothetically, jemilla does like me

**alice w:** she does.

**zazz:** oh now you respond????

 **alice w:** u were being big dumb earlier

**alice w:** i hope you’ve learned and will stop sending chorn korman to do your bidding

 **zazz:** they offered.

 **alice w:** liar

**zazz:** maybe so. what ur source that jemilla likes me

 **alice w:** bitch who do you think?

 **zazz:** idk

**zazz:** wait no

**zazz:** alice come back

**zazz:** alice please

 **alice w:** use your fucking brain and think. who would be able to tell me abt jemilla’s feelings?

 **zazz:** … tiblyn?

**alice w:** are you serious?

**alice w:** it was jemilla

 **zazz:** oh.

**zazz:** oh.

**zazz:** wait

**zazz:** does that mean

 **zazz:** jemilla likes me??????

 **alice w:** YES WHAT ELSE WOULD IT MEAN

 **zazz:** I DONT KNOW

 **alice w:** ASK HER OUT

**zazz:** NO

**alice w:** ARE YOU SERIOUS

**alice w:** BLOCKED

 **zazz:** WHY

**alice w:** YOU BOTH LIKE EACH OTHER WHY WOULDNT YOU ASK HER OUT

 **zazz:** what if she doesn’t feel that way anymore

 **alice w:** get out

☾◯☽

**the tribe**

**chorn:** why does alice look like she’s abt to throw her phone across the room

**zazz:** possibly my fault

**Emberly W:** Seriously? Stop texting.

_zazz removed Emberly W from the chat_

**Grant Berry:** Add her back!

**chorn:** after the conversation

**Grant Berry:** Why not now?

 **keeri thomas:** she was bitching abt us texting. now she’s not involved.

 **zazz:** we can remove you too

**Grant Berry:** No, I want the tea.

**Ducker:** me too

**chorn:** zazzalil?

**zazz:** what

**Ducker:** the tea??

**zazz:** oh.

**zazz:** it’s nothing fun

 **chorn:** alice’s face would say different.

**chorn:** not that i can see it. she put her head on her knees w headphones in. kinda looks like she's having a mental breakdown

_chorn added alice w to the chat_

 **chorn:** alice give us the tea

**alice w:** :/

**keeri thomas:** please, beautiful?

**alice w:** i have a gf keeri

**keeri thomas:** :(((((

 **zazz:** i tried to tell you my dude

 **Grant Berry:** Alice, can we have the tea? We don’t know what it’s about, but it involves you and Zazzalil.

**alice w:** alright give me a minute.

**alice w:** *deep breath* so there’s a girl zazzy likes (thats a fact) and i know from a primary source that that girl likes zazzy back. i’ve told zazzy this and the aBSOLUTE MORON WONT ASK HER OUT. AND NEITHER WILL THE OTHER GIRL WHO ALSO HAS BEEN TOLD THAT ZAZZY LIKES HER. THIS IS BULLSHIT

 **keeri thomas:** WTF AGREED ZAZZ DONT B AN IDIOT GO GET YOUR GIRL

 **Ducker:** who’s the other girl?

**alice w:** she’s not out to a whole lot of ppl so i won’t say

 **Ducker:** gotcha

**zazz:** which meeeaaaaannnnsss that she’s probaly not even into me

**keeri thomas:** SOUND LIKE BULLSHIT

**Grant Berry:** Agreed.

**Ducker:** agreed

**chorn:** agreed

**alice w:** DO YOU SEEEEEEE

 **zazz:** i’m not gonna ask her out, timings not right

 **alice w:** excues, excuses

 **zazz:** u know why it’s not good alice.

 **alice w:** ugh fine if you don’t ask her out by new years, i’m sitting you both down and making you confront your feelings in the same room.

 **zazz:** please no

**keeri thomas:** seems like a pretty easy choice zazz

**zazz:** but that’s in like 16 days

**Grant Berry:** Correct. Best get on it, don’t you think?

 **zazz:** i hate all of you. class is almost over, peace out.

_Grant Berry added Emberly W to the chat_

_chorn removed alice w from the chat_

**Emberly W:** I hope you guys had fun wasting your class time.

 **keeri thomas:** we did

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1) bill is a saint he wont tell ppl where jemilla is. 2) everyone is fed up w these useless gays for good reason. also there's a deadline!! alice also texted it to jemilla, who saw it after school bc she's a good student.
> 
> 1,193 words


	17. it's beginning to look a lot like christmas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> jemilla goes christmas shopping

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi kids, how's it going? two things: i've started criminal minds and ama few episodes into season three (emily prentiss, please step on me, thank you) and if any of y'all have a stuffed animal sewing pattern of a cow i would be eternally grateful bc i want to make a strawberry cow.
> 
> right so no tw this chapter i think
> 
> spelling is my bad, it's really hard

**alice w**

**alice w:** ask her out by new years or i’m putting y’all in a room and making u confess ur feelings.

**Jemilla:** that’s so soon tho???

**alice w:** exactly. get it together, you useless wlw.

☾◯☽

That was what Alice had texted Jemilla a week ago. She had 9 days to “get it together” and tell Zazz that she liked her. She was freaking out, big time. So, in order to distract herself, Jemilla decided to go downtown and buy gifts for her siblings, Zazzalil, and Eleanor.

When they still lived with their parents, Jemilla would always get Tiblyn and SB small gifts that Sean and Sabrina wouldn’t notice or care about. Last year, she had gotten Tiblyn a set of small bone hair clips (which had been confiscated by their mother a few months ago) and SB a 2x2 Rubik's cube. Jemilla chose to stick with the “small things” theme, seeing no reason to change it up.

There were a few extra challenges this year (shopping for new people, avoiding almost everyone from her church, and leaving her siblings at the house). Normally, she would take Tiblyn and SB with her and have them meander around together, but this year she could leave them behind without fearing for their safety. Well, she feared for their safety constantly, but she could do less of it knowing that they weren’t with her parents.

☾◯☽

Jemilla made her way down Main Street, peering in the windows of the shops she passed. She knew exactly where she wanted to go, though she still took her time walking down the street. It was freezing cold, but she had a coat on and no kids with her. She could afford to window shop for a little bit.

“A little bit” turned into an hour and by then, Jemilla was frozen to the bone and it had begun to snow. She sped past the First National Bank and rounded the corner, walking as fast as she could without slipping. Finally, she found the place she was looking for.

She descended the stairs to The Basement and pulled open the heavy orange door, warmth pouring out from the building. Maybe building was a strong word. The Basement was a small trinket shop underneath a coffee shop run by the Walker family. The Basement had any and everything that you didn’t know you needed, and it was all reasonably priced. It had a unique appearance, with the steps down to the shop being covered in purple plants and blue Edison bulbs. Strangely, many people didn’t even know it exists. It’s probably because they never bother to look down, Jemilla thought.

The shop wasn’t as crowded as she thought it would be, given that it was three days before Christmas, but it was still busy. She stripped off her coat and gloves, adding them to the rack that stood by the door, and surveyed the scene. The jewelry section was surrounded by three men who all looked equally distressed. The large shelves in the back where all the miscellaneous items were assembled were somewhat empty and a woman was looking at something on the bottom shelf. That was a shame, considering that was where Jemilla had planned on getting her gift, but she could work with what was there. The clothing section seemed relatively empty, with only one girl walking up and down the aisles. That girl held a striking resemblance to Alice, it was uncanny- wait. It _was_ Alice. Jemilla quickly made her way over to the clothing section and tapped on her best friend’s shoulder. Alice jumped and spun around, eyes wide.

“My dude! My bro! My bitch! How are you? Have you asked her out yet?” Alice asked, pulling Jemilla into a hug.

“Hi, Ally. No, I haven’t asked her out yet-” Alice sighed and grabbed Jemilla’s hand, pulling her towards the hidden corner of the store. “Why are we going back here? What was wrong with the clothes?”

“My mom is here. Anywho, what the fuck do you mean you haven’t asked her out? Has she asked you out?”

“Your mom is here? Alice, my dude, I gotta go, She’ll take me back!” Jemilla was starting to panic, she couldn’t go back to her parents’ house. She looked around and saw the woman at the miscellaneous shelves stand up and Jemilla could tell it was Mrs. Wilson. Her breathing picked up and she turned back to Alice, who grabbed her shoulders.

“It’s okay, J-Mills, it’s okay. We’re about to leave. How about you just go to the cafe upstairs and I’ll text when we’re gone.” Jemilla nodded, hugged Alice, and walked back over to the coat rack by the door. She pulled on her coat and gloves and pushed open the door, immediately getting hit by a cloud of cold air. She climbed the stair and walked a few yards to the entrance of Analog Coffee.

She entered and, after some internal debate, got in line. She eventually got to the front where she ordered a small hot chocolate and made her way over to a seat in the back near a window. She drew her headphones out of her pocket and plugged them into her phone. She normally enjoyed the Christmas music that played everywhere this time of year, but it didn’t fit the vibe today. Jemilla opened up her rain playlist and shuffled until she landed on the song she wanted. She gazed out the window and watched the snowfall, occasionally taking a sip from her cup. After about three songs, Jemilla checked her phone and saw that Alice had texted her.

☾◯☽

**alice w**

**alice w:** we’re gone. text me when u get home so we can talk

**Jemilla:** talk abt what

**alice w:** your inability to ask zazzy out

**Jemilla:** sigh. i’m gonna go to the basement peace out

**alice w:** bye!!

☾◯☽

The miscellaneous section had everything she wanted, surprisingly enough. There was another set of bone hair clips, which were not the same as the ones Jemilla got last year, but they were extremely similar. On the top shelf, Jemilla discovered that there was an unopened pack of tangle toys. Those would be perfect for SB, who liked to fidget with anything he could get his hands on.

Now for the hard part: finding a present for Eleanor and Zazz, respectively. She kind of knew what she wanted to get Zazz, but Jemilla was completely lost on Eleanor. She poked around the shelves, trying to find something that would work when she saw exactly what she wanted to get for Zazzalil. It was a small, hardbacked notebook with a design of two dragonflies (one representing day, the other representing night) etched on the front in gold foil. The foil was a stark contrast to the black of the notebook, which made it all the better.

One might think that a notebook was a super generic gift with no meaning whatsoever (in most cases, one would be right), but Jemilla had seen Zazzalil sketching on almost everything except for a sketchbook. Jemilla wasn’t sure about the reason, but she wanted to get this for her crush.

Jemilla continued to look around for something for Eleanor and was about to give up when she saw a vanilla candle. Candles were a nice, neutral thing that everybody liked. Vanilla happened to be one of Jemilla’s least favorite scents, but this wasn’t for her, it was for Eleanor. She walked to the front and paid for her items before putting her coat and gloves back on and braving the outdoors. The snow was coming down in drifts now and Jemilla would have to walk a lot faster if she didn’t want to get stuck in the snow.

☾◯☽

She got back to the house and pulled out her phone to text Alice when she noticed that the house was silent. For a house with four kids, _silent_ should not be a thing. She walked through the kitchen and saw that the table was covered in decorated sugar cookies. From there, she moved into the empty living room. Jemilla, growing slightly more worried climbed the stairs and began opening doors. SB’s room was empty, her and Tiblyn’s shared room was also empty, leaving one more room to check: Zazzalil’s. Jemilla slowly pushed the cracked door open to reveal her kids and her crush asleep on Zazz’s bed. Smiling, she opened the camera app and took a picture of the scene. She backed out and closed the door gently and went into her room to hide the things she had bought.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1) fuck the scent of vanilla it's gross. 2) idk how snow works i'm from texas. 3) for any of wall wondering abt the cover of zazz's notebook: https://pin.it/11QlEVe
> 
> 1,440 words


	18. voices singing let's be jolly, deck the halls with boughs of holly

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> zazz alone w children

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this started off real lighthearted and then got a lil deep at the end my bad. also in my notes for this chapter i wrote "California Friends-The Regrettes" thinking that i'd know what i meant by putting it there (spoiler alert, i did not) so i gave up and just through it in there.
> 
> TW implied/referenced abuse, slight homophobia (just like a sentence or two)
> 
> spelling is on me, that shit is HARD

“Honestly, Tiblyn, I have no idea what I’m doing, but I’m damn sure gonna try.”

“Aren’t you an artist or something?”

“I don’t think that pencils and pens are the same as frosting. Seems like this might be a bit harder to navigate.”

“Well it doesn’t matter how good it looks, they’re just cookies.”

“While you are correct,” Zazz said, pausing to stare at the snowman-shaped cookie in her hand, “I want this to be the best goddamn snowman you’ve ever fucking seen.” SB let out a small gasp and covered his mouth with his hands, eyebrows raised in shock. Tiblyn had a similar expression on her face and Zazz bit her lip, realizing what she had done.“Don’t tell your sister? Or my mom? Please? It’ll be our little secret.”

Tiblyn and SB turned to each other for a moment before turning back to Zazz and nodding. She placed a hand over her heart and threw her head back in relief. “California Friends” by The Regrettes played softly in the background as they settled down and began messily frosting Christmas cookies. Other people would have been playing Christmas music, but Zazzalil hated it with a passion for no particular reason.

So there they were, sitting at the kitchen table with only one light on, listening to The Regrettes and Saint Motel, decorating sugar cookies. Zazz probably should’ve turned on more lights so they could see better, but she didn’t feel the need as they were doing just fine. There was something oddly peaceful about icing cookies in the near-dark while it lightly snowed outside.

Zazz, still new to Michigan, was constantly amazed by snow and had to resist shouting “IT’S SNOWING!!” every single time it snowed. All of her friends were Michigan natives and thought it was weird to be excited by snow, considering it had happened nearly every day since November. Still, she thought it was cool, even if everybody else didn’t.

☾◯☽

“Is that a green snowman?”

“Yes.”

“Why?”

“Don’t judge him, SB, he’s going through it.”

Zazz let out a snort listening to the siblings' banter. She had to admit, Tiblyn’s green snowman was a little strange, but then again it wasn’t like her cookies were going to win any awards with the way things were going. She had a few dapper gingerbread men that looked like a second grader's coloring sheet, a snowman that was covered in white icing with a few sprinkles for buttons, and what was supposed to be a reindeer. It turned out, however, that SB had a knack for cookie decorating.

His gingerbread men all had expertly crafted outfits and his snowmen had a strangely large amount of detail. He had made a star-shaped cookie look like Patrick from Spongebob and had taken a misshapen cookie made from leftover dough and turned it into Perry the Platypus. How he managed to do that, Zazzalil had no idea, considering they only had five colors (white, green, yellow, blue, and a pink that was meant to be red). Zazzalil took out her phone and snapped a picture to send to the group chat.

☾◯☽

**the tribe**

**zazz:** _perry.jpg_

 **zazz:** if any of y’all need a cookie decorator i know a guy

**Grant Berry:** Wow, Zazz! Did you do that?

**zazz:** nah man, my friends little brother did. he’s v good at this

**zazz:** it’s not fair

**Emberly W:** If it didn’t violate child labor laws, I would totally get him a job at my parent’s shop.

**Emberly W:** Speaking of… Zazz isn’t this the girl you leave us for at lunch? Jemilla?

**zazz:** what

**Emberly W:** Hold on, the picture is sending.

**Emberly W:** _jemilla.jpg_

 **chorn:** that’s creepy emberly

**Emberly W:** No it’s not!!

**Grant Berry:** I have to agree, babe. That’s pretty creepy.

**Emberly W:** What is this? Bully Emberly hours? Answer the question @zazz

**zazz:** yes it's her stop being creepy

**Emberly W:** I’m going to go talk to her.

**zazz:** NO EMBERLY LEAVE HER ALONE

**zazz:** EMBERLY

**zazz:** PLEASE MY DUDE LEAVE HER A L O N E

**Emberly W:** God, fine.

**Emberly W:** Oh, she’s leaving. She’s really fucking tall.

**zazz:** yeah ikr it’s not fair

**Grant Berry:** Everyone is tall to you two. You guys are like 5 feet tall.

**zazz:** shut up you fucking grallatorial bitch

**Grant Berry:** Did you just call me a bird?

**zazz:** a long-legged bird. im gonna dip and go back to decorating cookies w some children who are NICE TO ME. YOU THINK ABT WHAT YOUVE DONE

**Grant Berry:** I stated facts?

**Emberly W:** You were rude. Stop that.

**chorn:** oooooooo grants in troubleeeeeeeee

☾◯☽

Zazz turned off her phone and set it on the counter before returning to the table. “My friends really like your cookie, my dude. Where’d you learn to decorate cookies like that?”

SB shrugged, continuing on his newest snowflake. “Mrs. Ford likes my art stuff at school but Mom and Dad said that art doesn't matter. I like art class though.”

“Art totally matters! I’m taking Art 3 this year and will probably take Art 4 next year. It’s super fun, right?” Every time Sean and Sabrina were brought up, Zazz’s blood began to boil. Everything they did made her angry, especially this. How could you tell your kid that what they did well in and enjoyed didn’t matter? _Very easily, apparently._ She thought bitterly.

SB nodded, “I like it.”

“I have some empty notebooks that I’ll never get around to using if you want some to draw in when you don’t have art class.” Zazz offered tentatively. SB’s face lit up like the Christmas tree in the corner of the living room.

“Really?”

“Yeah, if you want!”

“I do!” he exclaimed excitedly.

“Alrighty, we can get ‘em after we finish decorating.”

☾◯☽

They all sat in Zazzali’s room, SB on the floor, flipping through his new notebooks, Zazz laying on her bed staring at the succulents in her window, and Tiblyn sitting up on the bed, reading _Cheese_ by Sarah Weeks out loud.

“‘At the end of the day, Mr. Snolinovsky dragged out his record player and the desks got pushed to the side of the room for square dancing. The first dance was a “ladies’ choice” and all the girls made a beeline for Oggie. Everybody wanted to dance with the most famous fourth-grader in Wawatosa, Wisconsin. That is, _almost_ everybody. Amy stood in the corner watching Oggie and quietly shaking her head.’” Tiblyn paused and reached over to Zazzalil’s nightstand, grabbed a bottle of water and took a drink. She opened her mouth to continue reading but then snapped it shut, looking at the book confusedly. Zazz looked up at her, silently asking _What’s the hold-up?_ Tiblyn took a deep breath before answering. “Zazz, can girls like girls? Like, in a more than friends way?”

Zazz was taken aback. From what she had heard about Sean and Sabrina, she could guess what answer Tiblyn had heard for most of her life. “Umm, yeah. They can. And boys can like boys in a more than friends way too.”

“Mom and Dad always said that it was wrong, though…” Tiblyn said, still looking extremely befuddled.

“Well, there’s a group of people who think that, but they’re wrong. You don’t choose who you love. It just happens, and there’s nothing wrong with that. Why what’s up?”

“Well, the other day, I was about to go back into mine and Jemilla’s room and I heard her on the phone with Alice and she said something like “She doesn’t like me back, at least not like that” and I just wanted to make sure that she would be okay,” Zazzalil felt like she had stopped breathing. Who did Jemilla like? And why didn’t they like her back? She was so incredible, how could you not like her back! But here was solid proof that Jemilla didn’t like Zazz back (maybe Alice would finally stop pushing…)

“Of course she’s okay, Tiblyn. There’s nothing wrong with her liking a girl, even if that girl doesn’t like her back.”

“I know who she likes.” SB piped up from the floor. Zazzalil flipped onto her side and nearly fell off of the bed in the process.

“Who??” she asked, eyes wide. “What do you know?”

“Jemmy likes youuuuu,” he said, stretching out the last word with a sing-songy voice. Zazz let out a short laugh.

“Sure she does, kiddo.” she patted the bed next to her, signaling for him to climb up on the bed and join her. “Tiblyn, you wanna keep going, or do you have more questions?” Tiblyn shook her head and began to read again.

“‘When Oggie and Donnica got home from school…’” Zazz closed her eyes and began to drift away, not quite caring if she heard the rest of the story. She just had to remember to text Alice later and tell her that Jemilla liked somebody else. SB had said that Jemilla _did_ like her though, but Zazzalil just brushed it off.

He was only 10, what did he know?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> gays r stupid, yk? esp these ones. that's all for now ttyl
> 
> 1,513 words


	19. a holly jolly christmas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> merry chrysler

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahaha what's up???? my motivation? zero. school? hasn't started yet, but it will on tuesday and i'm going in person. stress? yeah. hotel? trivago.  
> shoutout to my friend mia who will b reading this, she did a terrible job motivating me. (ily) also shoutout to @FearTheRaven who helped me figure out a way to write this
> 
> TW implied/referenced ednos, implied/referenced child abuse and i think that's it.
> 
> spelling is hard don't @ me

_SLAM!_

 _“_ Elizabeth!”

“Sorry!”

Jemilla and Tiblyn were sitting up straight in their beds, looking at each other with mild concern. They had been awoken by a loud noise and Eleanor shouting at Zazzalil, who had (presumably) caused the noise. It had been quiet for several seconds when they heard heavy footsteps running down the hall. The door burst open and Tiblyn let out a small shriek as Zazzalil skidded into the room completely out of breath.

“MERRY CHRISTMAS!!” she shouted. Jemilla flinched a little and fell back onto her bed.

“ _Why are we yelling?”_ she whispered tiredly.

“I’m sorry! I’m just very, very, very excited. Christmas is my favorite holiday.” Zazz said a much more manageable volume.

“What time are we leaving?” Tiblyn asked from the other side of the room. On Christmases past, they would go to church for several hours and then go back to their house, where they would sit and be quiet for the rest of the day.

“Leaving? For what?” Zazz asked like a confused but hyper puppy.

“…Church?”

“Ew, y’all actually _go somewhere_ on Christmas?” Jemilla threw Zazzalil a look that essentially said _What the fuck, dude?_ and Zazz quickly amended her speech, “Um, we normally spend Christmas at home in our pajamas, opening presents and reading, and playing games and stuff. If you guys want a few hours to like…I don’t know,” Zazz stammered, evidently struggling to find the right words. She continued to stutter until Jemilla cut her off.

“It’s fine, none of us liked Christmas service anyways. I’m just gonna text Ally and tell her that I’m sorry she has to sit through the whole thing with Grace.” she paused, “Now that I think about it, we aren’t, like, SUPER close friends with her anymore. Guess she’ll have to do it alone. Sucks to suck.” Zazzalil let out a laugh, left the room, and thundered down the stairs.

☾◯☽

Eleanor had made them chocolate-chip pancakes for breakfast (“It’s a holiday tradition,”). Zazzalil wolfed down her pancakes, desperate to be fueled by something other than adrenaline. SB ate at the same pace as Zazz because he was a ten-year-old boy who loved food. Jemilla picked at what was on her plate, eating about one and a half pancakes total (a vast improvement from where she began), giving the second half of her uneaten pancake to Tiblyn, who was getting better at eating slowly.

When everyone was done, they all migrated to the living room where the tree was and that was when she saw them. Presents. Under the tree. For all of them. Now, Jemilla would consider herself a master of her emotions, never letting them peek through unless she wanted them to. Even if her internal monologue was screaming at her, her face would stay how she wanted it to. Except for when it didn’t.

Normally, it was her eyes that would betray her. They would begin to water or just find a way to show emotion even if she didn’t want them to (ESPECIALLY if she didn’t want them to). That was the case today apparently. Her siblings sat on the ground, naturally excited about what was under the tree, but Jemilla remained standing and staring at the tree. It was covered in handmade ornaments from when Zazzalil was a little kid and fancy glass ornaments that were probably handed down from someone to Eleanor. Jemilla, desperate to look at anything but the presents fixated on an ornament covered in glitter with a photograph inside. There was a younger-looking Eleanor, a 6 or 7-year-old Zazz, and a man that Jemilla didn’t recognize. _It’s probably her dad._ She thought.

Her mind was still going a mile a minute, part of it focused on the bauble, part of it freaking out about the gift boxes and the other part just yelling (AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA) at her. She continued to stare at the ornament when suddenly a sixteen-year-old Zazzalil crossed into her field of vision. “ _Come with me?”_ she whispered. Jemilla nodded slightly and allowed herself to be pulled up the stairs and into Zazz’s room.

“Are you okay?” Jemilla shook her head. “Do you want to talk about it?” Her eyes suddenly filled with tears. She closed them and turned her head towards the ceiling. She shook her head again. “Do want to sit here with me until you feel like you can go back downstairs?” This time she nodded. Zazzalil took her hand and lead her to the bed. Jemilla took off her glasses and laid down, curling into herself. She felt something soft graze her hands and lifted her head to see what it was. Staring back at her with big yellow eyes was a tiny white and grey stuffed owl. Jemilla smiled slightly and pulled it close to her chest before flopping her back onto one of Zazz’s pillows. Zazz wrapped around her, running her hand up and down Jemilla’s arm to soothe her, almost luring her to sleep.

Determined to stay awake, Jemilla broke the silence, “ _Does your owl have a name?”_

 _“Chelsea.”_ What a strange name for an owl. “ _My dad came up with it when I was like 13 and I thought it was the greatest thing in the whole world.”_ Silence returned, settling around them like a thick blanket. Jemilla continued to think about how to handle the ‘situation’ down in the living room. There wasn’t much to handle though. She would just have to accept the presents, even if it had been years since an adult in her life (besides her Nana or one of her aunts) had given her a present that wasn’t socks. Socks were cool though. She wouldn’t be completely opposed to having another pair.

“ _Zazz?”_ The girl in question ‘mm-hmm’ed from behind Jemilla’s head. “ _I think I’m ready to go back downstairs.”_ Zazz’s arms released their hold on Jemilla and in turn, Jemilla released her hold on Chelsea. Zazz headed back to the living room, but Jemilla slipped into the bedroom to grab the gifts that she had hidden several days earlier.

In the living room, Eleanor sat on the couch with a mug of coffee in her hands and a small stack of books next to her that must’ve been given to her by her daughter. SB and Tiblyn were in the middle of the room constructing a small LEGO set on the coffee table, little sacks of candy on the floor next to each of them. Zazz was on the floor next to the tree, opening a slim box the contained several long-sleeved shirts. Jemilla felt a bit awkward walking into the scene of what (to an outsider) appeared to be a perfectly happy and functional family. She knew better, of course, but it was a nice thought.

“What’s that, Jemmy?” SB asked from his place on the floor. Jemilla snapped back to her senses and smiled at him.

“They’re presents, buddy. You didn’t think I would forget, did you?” He shook his head and stood up, practically running to see what his sister had gotten him. The face he had made when he saw the pack of tangle toys had been priceless (“I won’t lose these! I think…”). Tiblyn had almost started crying when she was the new clips that Jemilla had gotten her. She had severely missed the ones her mom had taken away from her and was beyond thrilled to have more.

She approached Eleanor, hoping it was okay to give her a gift. As it turns out, vanilla was Eleanor’s favorite scent (“How’d you know?” “Lucky guess”) and she had been meaning to get a new candle for months. Zazzalil groaned, saying that vanilla was a terrible smell and that people who liked it had no rights. Jemilla shot her a look of agreement before moving over to the girl’s place on the floor. As she pulled the notebook out of the bag all the items had been in she began to preface her gift.

“I’ve noticed that you like to sketch and stuff, and, umm, I just thought that you would maybe like this? I don’t really know if you don’t like it, it’s fine I can just-”

“Milla, this is incredible! I love it! Thank you so much!” Zazz exclaimed, cutting off her crush. Zazz pulled her into a hug and Jemilla smiled.

This Christmas hadn’t been so bad after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wasn't that lovely? y'all're gonna love next chapter i guarantee it. it may take a while bc writing fluff is hard i hope you guys are enjoying it. 
> 
> 1,397 words


	20. i kinda wanna be more than friends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> oop

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what the fuck is school
> 
> spelling is, as always, on me

**alice w:** tick-tock mf

**zazz:** i rly don’t want to do this

**alice w:** oh??? have ur feelings suddenly disappeared???

**zazz:** well no

**alice w:** i don’t see the issue.

**zazz:** i have like three hours to ask out the girl i’ve been crushing on since i moved here

**alice w:** well u could do it rn and it would be over.

**zazz:** no thanksssssss

**alice w:** fuckin coward. jmills has the same deadline i'm gonna text her and up the pressure on her too

**zazz:** what do u mean she has the same deadline

**alice w:** SOMEONE HAS TO ASK SOMEONE OUT TONIGHT I DONT CARE WHO DOES THE ASKING BUT GODDAMN ITS GETTING PAINFUL

**zazz:** give me ideas bc like i cant do this shit on my own

**alice w:** jfc go braid her hair or do her makeup and then kiss her. and do some cheesy shit like “i’ve been wanting to that for a long time”

**zazz:** ok i will try

**alice w:** two and a half hours til midnight

**zazz:** i knowwwwwww

☾◯☽

Zazz dragged her hands over her face and groaned. She made her way down the stairs and into the living room where everybody else was listening to Tiblyn read _Clockwork Angel._ Normally Zazz would’ve been upset about missing however much had been read, but she was okay with it tonight. She had already read the whole saga and was eagerly awaiting _The Wicked Powers_ series.

““Tessa blinked away the tears in her eyes — and stared. There was a boy standing in front of her. He couldn’t have been much more then a few years older than she was — seventeen or possibly eighteen. He was dressed in what looked like workman’s clothes: a frayed black jacket and trousers, and tough-looking boots. He wore no waistcoat, but a thick leather belt with a number of weapons hanging off it circled his waist — daggers and folding knives and things that looked like blades of ice.”” Tiblyn read from her corner of the couch. _Ah, so we’re still at the beginning._ Zazzalil thought as she settled into a deep armchair across from the couch.

She sat there for a while staring into the void listening to Tiblyn who took intermittent breaks. When she closed the book with a soft thud Zazzalil snapped back to reality and turned her head over to the couch. She locked eyes with Jemilla and raised her eyebrows in question. Jemilla gestured to SB, who was sound asleep in her lap. Zazz let out a small “oh” and moved to help get Jemilla out from underneath her brother. It was a long process of Jemilla moving two inches at a time and Zazzalil sliding a pillow in her place with Tiblyn silently laughing in the corner.

By the time they finished, it was ten-thirty. The three girls made their way upstairs and into Zazz’s room. Jemilla’s phone buzzed and whatever the text had said made her scoff. “Tiblyn, stop reading over my shoulder,” Jemilla said abruptly. Tiblyn flushed and walked over to the door, saying something about alone time.

☾◯☽

**alice w:** less than one hours jemilla says she hasn't asked you out yet and you haven't asked her either bITCH WILL YOU HURRY UP

 **zazz:** leave me a l o n e i’m gonna do it

**alice w:** mmhmm

☾◯☽

“Can I braid your hair?” Zazz muttered, not really wanting to ask the question.

“Um, sure,” Jemilla said with a laugh. She positioned herself on the floor at the foot of Zazz’s bed. Zazzalil scooted forward and was about to begin before she realized the fatal flaw in her plan. She did not in fact know how to braid hair. She stared at the top of Jemilla’s head for a minute or two before lifting her eyes to make contact with her crush’s in the mirror that sat across from her bed. Jemilla let out a giggle, “You don’t know how to braid, do you?” Zazz smiled and shook her head with a bit of shame. “It’s okay, I can do yours.”

They switched place and Jemilla combed through Zazz’s hair with her fingers. “What kind of braid do you want?” she asked quietly.

Zazzalil turned in shock, “How many different types are there?” Jemilla laughed again, sound that Zazzalil would never get tired of, and told her there were hundreds of types to which Zazz responded “Whatever you want.” From there they drifted into a comfortable silence with Zazz’s “Girls” playlist playing quietly as Jemilla began working on a dutch crown braid. Zazz pulled out her phone and opened up a group chat.

☾◯☽

**the tribe**

**zazz:** the girl i like is braiding my hair im fifteen seconds away from death

**keeri thomas:** omg get ur girl zazz

**zazz:** that's the plan

**chorn:** oh????????????????

**zazz:** ;^)

**Ducker:** i’m sorry, did you just give ;) a nose??

**zazz:** he deserves a nose!!!!!

**Ducker:** zazzalil,,, smiley faces do not deserve anything,,,, they aren’t fucking real people

**zazz:** bitch

**Emberly W:** Can we go back to the part where Zazzalil said she was going to get herself a girlfriend?

**zazz:** sh es brai ding my h a ir

**chorn:** zazz.exe has stopped working

 **keeri thomas:** doesn't matter she’s gonna ask her crush out!!

**Emberly W:** I don’t understand the hype, you guys didn’t act like this when Grant asked me out.

**chorn:** they’re lesbians, harold

**chorn:** also this has been going on for like a month at LEAST it’s a miracle that zazz is gonna do it

**zazz:** only bc alice is threatening me

**Ducker:** oh, she’s alive.

**zazz:** what does that mean??????

**Ducker:** people who give smileys noses don’t deserve the right to live.

**zazz:** >:^(

**Ducker:** blocked

☾◯☽

“Alright, I’m done. What do you think?” Zazzalil tilted her head up and looked into the mirror and gasped.

“This is magical! You’re magical! Oh my god, this is so cool!” Zazz ran towards the mirror in an attempt to the braid that wrapped around her head. “The is fantastic! Can I do your make up? I actually know how to do that!” Jemilla agreed and took off her glasses while Zazzalil gathered her supplies and sat next to Jemilla on the bed. The whole time she was applying the makeup, all she could think about was how incredibly close they were and how it would be so easy to just kiss her and-

No. _That’s not the way to go about it._ she scolded herself. But… what is the right way to go about it? _Maybe just kiss her and then have the feelings conversation afterward? Yeah, that sounds cool. Right? Right._ She

 _“_ What’s going on in that pretty little head of yours?” Jemilla asked.

“You think I’m pretty?” Zazz shot back, causing Jemilla to flush and start coughing.

“Uh, yeah, I do.” SHe stammered once she had recomposed herself. Zazz’s eyes darted over to the clock on her nightstand to see eleven fifty-five. How had so much time passed already? She knew Alice must be blowing up her phone but it didn’t matter considering her ringer had been off for years. Now, she had to think, and quickly. _How does one continue from this point?_

 _“_ I think you’re pretty too,” Zazzalil murmured, her eyes darting to Jemilla’s lips which were now coated in dark red lipstick. Seconds tick by, the two of them frozen in place. “1950” was drifting from Zazz’s phone on the floor. They stared ay each other for several more minutes (According to the clock it was eleven fifty-nine. Only a few seconds left.

Acting on impulse, Zazzalil leaned forward and kissed Jemilla. She pulled away quickly, looking at her crush. The girl’s eyes were wide with shock and Zazzalil immediately regretted everything. “ _I’m so sorry, Milla, I shouldn’t have-”_ she was cut off by Jemilla kissing her. Now it was Zazzalil’s turn to be shocked. “Oh.” was all she could say.

“I like you, Zazz. A lot.”

“S-same.” Zazz stuttered. She looked over to the clock and sighed, “Happy new year, Milla.” Jemilla giggled and kissed Zazzalil’s cheek, leaving a dark red lipstick stain. Zazz pulled out her phone and took a picture and sent it to Alice.

☾◯☽

**zazz:** _lipstickstain.jpg_

 **zazz:** suck on that alice wilson

**alice w:** YESGOD FINALLY THANK YOU OMGOMG YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

**alice w:** WHO ASKED WHO I NEED TO KNOW

**zazz:** neither, i kissed her then apologized then she kissed me to shut me up and then she kissed my cheek

**alice w:** i hate you ask her out

☾◯☽

“Be my girlfriend?”

“Hell yeah. Who are you texting?”

“Alice.”

“Oh my god she literally would not stop trying to get me to ask you out,” Jemilla groaned.

“Why didn’t you?” Zazz asked.

“Why didn’t _you?”_ Jemilla fired back.

“You got me there.” They laughed and kissed again.

What a way to start off the new year.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :^) did u like it
> 
> 1,487 words


	21. i like it when we play 1950

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> double date?????

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ┬┴┬┴┤ ͜ʖ ͡°) ├┬┴┬┴
> 
> heyyyyyyy.... how y'all doin?
> 
> ps it's short i'm sorry

**alice w**

**alice w:** soooooooooooo

**Jemilla:** Sooooooooo

**alice w:** now that u have a gf,,,,

**alice w:** PLEASE COME ON A DOUBLE DATE W ME AND DEB

 **alice w:** PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE IT WOULD BE SO FUN PLEASEEE

**alice w:** YOU COULD MEET EMMA and also paul BUT EMMAS COOLER

**alice w:** YOU HAVE READ MESSAGES ON I CAN TELL YOURE READING THIS

**Jemilla:** Zazz says she’s in

**alice w:** are you in???

**Jemilla:** Yeah sure

**alice w:** GREAT WE TAKE THE BUS AFTER SCHOOL ON FRIDAY

**Jemilla:** Eleanor wants to know what time we’ll be back from our friend date

**alice w:** friend??????? date?????

**Jemilla:** Zazz isn’t out to her mom and neither am I, she thinks we’re just really good friends

**alice w:** gal pals lol

**alice w:** anyways i usually take the 11:30 bus back so we’ll be back on the mainland at like 11:45 and then however long it take u to get home

**Jemilla:** Okay, she says that’s fine

**alice w:** FUCK YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

☾◯☽

Alice ran into Jemilla after the bell rang on Friday and promptly began dragging her down the hall towards the front doors. “Why are you walking so slow? Pick up the pace, bitch, I want to see my girlfriend,” she said exasperatedly. Jemilla met Alice’s eyes and took off in the opposite direction, away from the doors. Alice squealed in shock and ran after Jemilla, “WHERE ARE YOU GOING?”

“TO THE ENGLISH HALL!”

“WHY? THAT’S NOT HACHETFIELD!”

“NO, BUT IT’S WHERE ZAZZ IS.”

“NOT GONNA LIE I FORGOT ABOUT HER,”

“RUDE”

They made it all the way down the hall and stood outside Zazzalil’s classroom, clutching their sides. Her class was still sitting at their desks, not moving. Mrs. Miller was notorious for keeping classes after the bell, even if it was only one person who had disrupted the class. After several more minutes, students finally started to leave. Zazz spotted Alice and Jemilla and walked over to them.

At that point, Alice was practically vibrating with impatience. She grabbed both of them and hauled them down to the front of the school. Jemilla had offered to drive them to the bus stop and Alice had immediately accepted, saying she’d rather not walk to the bus stop in 20-degree weather.

The bus was completely empty when the girls got on and the driver looked surprised to have anyone get on. They sat together in the back as the bus driver peeled out of the stop and headed towards the Nantucket Bridge.

“ _Why is there no one on the bus?”_ Zazz whispered, utterly confused.

“ _Because no one likes fucking_ Hachetfield, _Zazz.”_ Alice murmured back.

“ _And no one in Hachetfield likes Clivesdale. It’s a hate-hate relationship.”_ Jemilla added on. Zazzalil furrowed her brows but said nothing more. It was a short and quiet ride to the island, the only other words being spoken by the driver when they were getting off the bus.

“You girls stayin the night or comin back to Clivesdale later this evenin?” The man had a southern drawl, which was rather uncommon in Michigan, and tended to leave the “g”s off of his words. The girls looked at each other, uncomfortable with what the man had asked, but Zazz spoke up.

“We’ll be taking the 11:30 bus back,” The man nodded slowly, looking a little disappointed.

“That’ll be Charlie drivin you back. Y’all be good girls, okay?”

They let out an uneasy laugh and set off down the street. Alice had said that her Uncle Paul and his girlfriend Emma would pick them up a little ways past the stop. The three of them walked quickly, not wanting to be in the cold longer than they had to.

☾◯☽

Jemilla could tell Paul was uncomfortable. He kept picking at the steering wheel and letting out deep breaths. Alice, Emma, and Zazz were all engaged in a conversation that, from what Jemilla could tell, was about appreciating women. She stayed quiet, not wanting to talk over the other conversation. After several minutes, Paul pulled into the parking lot of a small diner called “Calypso’s”. Jemilla thought that was strange, considering Calypso’s role in Odysseys’ story, but she wasn’t one to judge.

It was busy inside the diner, but Alice immediately let out a squeal and ran to a table in the corner that had a young girl with curly auburn hair sitting at it. They kissed and Jemilla looked away. She felt Zazz take her hand and she met the eyes of her girlfriend. They said goodbye to Paul and Emma, who would be picking them up later, and made their way over to the table where Alice and Deb were.

☾◯☽

The evening was filled with loud laughter that earned them a couple of dirty looks from the old couples around the diner. The girls didn’t mind though. They all had the girls that they loved with them and if the old people around them couldn’t handle that, then they could leave.

When it came time to leave, Jemilla and Zazz stood near the door and waited for Alice, who was spending several minutes saying goodbye to Deb. They wouldn’t be able to see each other in person until next month on Valentine’s Day. Jemilla knew Alice had a deep-rooted hatred for Valentine’s Day but would make an exception for Deb. She felt the same way.

The bus ride back was even quieter than it had been on the way there if that were possible. Something about riding an empty bus at 11:30 P.M. over a deep lake with harsh white lights made for a hollow vibe. They had had fun though, there was no denying that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so to make a long story fuckin short i did NOT forget abt this. my motivation is in the trash and i curse myself for making this so goddamn long. the story WILL be completed tho bc i hate leaving things unfinished, it just might take a while.
> 
> 948 words


	22. it's like constellations, a million years away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a lil hurt/comfort for y'all

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you didn't think it would be fluff forever, did you?
> 
> as always: spelling is hard i am sorry if i fucked up
> 
> tw: flashbacks (sort of) ptsd induced panic attack

The Friday after their double date, Zazzalil decided to hang out with her friends after school. There was nothing wrong with that, Jemilla thought. She just wasn’t used to being alone with Eleanor.

Eleanor was a perfectly lovely lady. She never pried too much, she let Zazz calm Jemilla down, she parented the kids properly. There was nothing that she could do wrong. That’s why Jemilla told Zazz that she was fine taking SB and Tiblyn to the house by herself. She trusted Eleanor enough to know that she wouldn’t hurt them and would try her best to keep them safe.

☾◯☽

Jemilla pulled into the middle school parking lot and Tiblyn clambered into the front seat, beginning her rant about a girl named Penelope. According to Tiblyn, Penelope simply would not shut up about her high PSAT scores and the fact that she was going to be on the high school cheer team. Tiblyn also said that it wasn’t fair that Penelope had such pretty eyes and looked “like _that”_ during pep-rallies and was dating an “idiot named Colin”. Jemilla just smiled and nodded while Tiblyn ranted about this “insufferable” girl that Jemilla was pretty sure she had a crush on.

Jemilla arrived at the elementary school and got out of the car. She walked in and greeted Mrs. Robinson. The older woman commented on how she had begun to miss seeing her every day, but it was nice to see her again. She led Jemilla to the gym, where the kids stayed now that it was freezing out. SB was running after a little girl with his arm stretched out, trying to tag her. She was just a tad faster than him and kept escaping her grasp. Mrs. Robinson had gone back to her post at the front office while Jemilla stood in the doorway and watched.

“You’re awfully young to be a mother.” said a critical voice beside her. Jemilla turned and met eyes with a woman in her thirties who bore a striking resemblance to the girl SB was chasing. She was about to tell the woman that she was just here to pick up her brother when she heard a cry from the middle of the gym. SB had finally managed to tag the little girl and now she was upset, saying it wasn’t fair.

The critical woman raced towards her, asking her what happened. Jemilla stood in the doorway awkwardly for a moment before striding towards her brother.

“Hey, buddy,” SB turned around in surprise and threw his arms around his oldest sister.

“Jemmy!! I didn’t know you were coming to pick me up! Where’s Ellie?” Jemilla faltered for a moment. She had never heard SB call Eleanor ‘Ellie’ before. It was just a sign that he was getting more comfortable with her, she supposed and brushed it off.

“She’s at the house, buddy. Why don’t you get your backpack so we can get out of here? Tiblyn’s in the car.” SB nodded in agreement and raced to the back wall of the gym where there was a pile of backpacks. He came running back and took Jemilla’s hand, leading her to the open doors of the gym.

Jemilla let SB drag her all the way to the parking lot and through the snow. He got in the car and started recounting his day, saying that he had done really well on his timed multiplication test. Tiblyn, who had already exhausted the Penelope topic, began to tell him that it wasn’t that hard and that algebra was really hard. SB argued differently, telling her that it’s very hard when you don’t know how to multiply by twelve. Tiblyn was about to shoot back when Jemilla cut her off. She turned up the radio and they spent the car ride in silence.

☾◯☽

There were cars in the driveway and lining the street. Many cars. If Jemilla had to guess, she’d say that there were maybe twenty cars lined up in front of Eleanor’s house. She parked a little way down the street and grabbed her backpack from the trunk of her car. SB and Tiblyn copied her and the three of them walked towards the light green front door.

“Jemmy, what’s going on?” Tiblyn asked.

“I don’t know.”

“Who are all these people?”

“I don’t know, bunny.”

Tiblyn sighed and they continued walking up the street. When Jemilla pulled the front door open, the strong scent of red wine slammed into her, and suddenly, all she could think about was evenings when she and her siblings would get home and her parents would be drunk. She looked down at Tiblyn and SB, who were clearly having similar thoughts.

“Kids,” Jemilla whispered, “Go upstairs.” They complied quickly, old habits coming back fast. They all made their way to the stairs as quietly as they could, but Eleanor spotted them nonetheless. Her cheeks were flushed red from the wine she had been drinking.

“Oh, ladies, these are the kids that are staying with me. Jemilla, Tiblyn, and SB. Kids, this is my book club.” They watched her as she took a sip of wine, their bodies tensing. Through her slight drunkness, Eleanor was able to tell that they were uncomfortable and rose from her chair. Tiblyn flinched slightly and began climbing the stairs. SB followed suit, Jemilla trailing after them, never taking her eyes off of Eleanor.

The three of them went into Tiblyn and Jemilla’s room and sat on Jemilla’s bed. They sat in silence for a while, bracing themselves for hits that might never come. At some point, Tiblyn decided she couldn’t take the silence anymore and grabbed a book from her backpack to read aloud.

“Chapter One: Who I Am – A Girl Named Rose (Rows). I am Rose Howard and my first name has a homonym. To be accurate, it has a _homophone,_ which is a word that’s pronounced the same as another word but spelled differently. My homophone is Rows.” Tiblyn kept reading in a quiet voice, hoping to not attract the attention of the book club downstairs. They made it all the way through chapter thirteen when a small knock came from the door. They scrambled, SB and Tiblyn heading for the closet and Jemilla going towards the door to stop anybody from coming in.

This wasn’t how their parents would do it. They would have torn down the door before SB and Tiblyn were even halfway to the closet, but Jemilla prepared herself anyway. She was done with letting her siblings get hurt. From the other side of the door, she heard Eleanor whisper her name.

“ _Jemilla?”_

 _“What?”_ she hissed back. She didn’t why she was whispering, so, with more confidence, she responded again. “What?”

“Well, I saw that you guys were uncomfortable while my book club was here and I just wanted to know if I could help-”

“Help?” Jemilla scoffed.

“Yes! I forgot that you guys don’t like big crowds or drinking, so I wanted to know if I could help.”

“You just … _forgot_?”

“Yes, Jemilla. I forgot, sorry for being human! God, and I know Lily is usually the one that helps you guys out with your panic attacks or whatever, but she’s not here right now, I am. So, is there anything I can do to help?”

Jemilla’s breathing was picking up; she wasn’t used to confronting adults, whether they were normally nice to her or not. She was going to tell Eleanor to go away when SB came up from behind her and opened the door. He slipped out of the room and hugged Eleanor. Jemilla could hardly believe her eyes. Didn’t he know what people did when they were drunk? How could he just leave so easily?

“You didn’t mean to scare us, right Ellie?” He asked genuinely. Elanor shook her head no. He poked his head back in and made eye contact with Jemilla, who was beginning to spiral. But SB, at the ripe age of ten, had no idea and stayed in the hall with Eleanor. She was thinking of how to get him back to safety when Tiblyn slipped past her and into the hall with Eleanor and her brother.

“She’s safe, Jemmy. Remember? She promised.”

Through shallow breathing, Jemilla managed one sentence, “Promises can break.” and with that, she closed the door. She pressed herself as far away from the door as she could, praying that her siblings would come back in but they didn’t. Their voices descended the stairs, where they stayed for many hours.

☾◯☽

At 8:00 (ish), Jemilla heard Zazz come in through the front door. She still hadn’t moved from her spot, though her panic attack was mostly over. The kids were yet to come back up the stairs, which was not helping Jemilla. She could hear bits and pieces of conversation floating up from the kitchen. Specifically, she could hear Zazz getting angry.

“ALONE?”

“NO, MOM, SHE’S NOT FINE.”

“YOU’RE JUST GOING TO MAKE IT WORSE!”

There was a soft tap at her door. Zazz poked her head in with a questioning look. Jemilla patted the bed next to her and Zazz climbed in next to her. They sat in silence for a while, just enjoying each other’s company. Zazz spoke up carefully.

“What happened, baby?” Jemilla sighed and recounted her evening, starting with Tiblyn’s possible crush on Penelope. Zazzalil listened intently before offering her advice. “How would you feel spending more time with my mom? It doesn’t have to be alone, but just to get you more comfortable around her.”

Jemilla groaned and buried her head into her girlfriend’s shoulder. “Do I have to?”

“I think it would be a good idea,” Zazz said earnestly. Jemilla met eyes with her and gave in.

“I guess so.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YALL okay so my "resilient little thing" readers know this but you don't: I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND!!!!! I DID IT YALL!!!
> 
> 1,634 words


	23. my heart went from red to black

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i had fun writing this

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> look at me!! posting so close together!! wow!!
> 
> sorry for spelling
> 
> tw: yelling/fight (not physical)

Jemilla had complied with Zazzalil. Together, they spent more time with Eleanor. They played board games, like Clue and Monopoly, they watched The Great British Baking Show together, and they sat in the same room together, even if they weren’t talking. Jemilla could tell that Eleanor appreciated the effort from her in the past fifteen days (Jemilla had been counting, it was now the thirty-first).

Jemilla was finding that Eleanor wasn’t actually that bad, but she was far from trusting her. She wasn’t sure if she’d be able to fully trust an adult again, but at least she was making progress.

☾◯☽

**alice w**

**alice w:** imagine playing board games with a parental figure

**alice w:** couldn’t be me

**Jemilla:** I know. It’s fucking weird.

**alice w:** so is she like actually nice?? no bullshit??

**Jemilla:** Idk it sure seems like it

 **Jemilla:** She’s really nice with the kids and hasn’t tried to hit them yet

**alice w:** isn't that what your parents were like tho

**Jemilla:** …

 **Jemilla:** Yes

**alice w:** i'm not saying shes gonna start abusing y’all but be careful

**Jemilla:** I know

**Jemilla:** I’d like to trust her, for the kids’ sake at least

**alice w:** i don’t think you have to trust her completely for her to be a good parental figure to the kids

**Jemilla:** That’s true, I guess

☾◯☽

She didn’t need to fully trust Eleanor to let her be a good mother-figure. That made sense, right? Tiblyn and SB really liked her and had started coming to her with their issues, which was huge progress compared to where they had been a month and a half ago.

This was good. It was good that the kids were becoming less dependant on Jemilla and more dependant on an actual adult. It was good that they didn’t need her to protect them anymore. So why didn’t it feel good? It should have felt good that they didn’t need her to protect them from their parents. It meant that they were in a safe household, with no one coming to hurt them.

_Why doesn’t it feel good?_ Jemilla asked herself repeatedly. Normally, she would ask Zazz and try to talk it out with her, but she was out with Chorn and Ducker. Alice was with Deb and Jemilla didn’t want to bother her. She racked her brain to find an answer but kept coming up empty. There was only one person who could help her figure this out right now, and Jemilla wasn’t necessarily pleased with the answer.

Eleanor.

Eleanor was working in the kitchen and the kids were doing homework in SB’s room. Now was the opportune time to talk to her. What would she even say? “ _Hi, Eleanor. My kids trust you and I don’t. Could you help me figure out why?”_ No, she couldn’t do that. Jemilla looked at the physics worksheet that had been sitting in front of her for the past thirty minutes and sighed. Talking to Eleanor would be better than physics.

She stood up and walked to the door, preparing herself, trying to figure out what she could even say. Jemilla stepped into the kitchen and saw Eleanor with a pair of cheater glasses on, squinting at some spreadsheet and scribbling numbers on a scratch sheet of paper. She glanced up at Jemilla over the rim of her glasses with a somewhat annoyed look on her face.

“What can I do for you, Jemilla?”

Jemilla took a deep breath before speaking, “Um,” her voice was unnaturally high. She cleared her throat and tried again, “I was wondering if I could talk to you for a minute. I can come back later if you’re busy-” Eleanor waved away the end of her sentence and gestured to the empty chair across from her. She took off her glasses and tried to make eye contact with Jemilla.

Desperate to avoid the eye contact Eleanor was offering, Jemilla looked at the corner of the table. “Normally, I would talk to Zazz about this, but she’s not here so…” she glanced up at the older woman, who had pursed her lips slightly. “This might not make a bunch of sense, but I’ll try. So, I have been Tiblyn and SB’s protector for a very long time. And now they don’t need me to protect them, and they’re going to you with their problems and trusting you and believing you’re better than our parents.”

“I don't see an issue with that,”

“I know. And there shouldn’t be an issue. But for some reason, them going to you just doesn’t sit right with me, you know? Like I feel like I should be protecting them from something but there’s nothing to protect them from.”

“You feel empty,” Eleanor stated like it was a fact, not a question. Jemilla nodded, and Eleanor continued speaking. “It’s a logical response Jemilla, but I fear there is something to protect them from.” Jemilla’s eyes snapped up and met Eleanor’s. “Your parents. They still have custody over the three of you and could file a kidnapping at any moment.”

Jemilla rolled her eyes; she already knew that. She hadn’t stopped thinking about that possibility for the past month and a half. “There is something I could do that would keep them safe forever,” Eleanor said cautiously. Jemilla looked at her with a questioning look in her eyes, prompting her to go on. “I could sue for custody. That way they’d be here legally, and you would never have to worry about it again.”

Jemilla rose from her chair and stared at Eleanor in disbelief. She considered the possibility of Tiblyn and SB never having to starve for their parent’s image. The possibility of them never being worried about getting hit again. The possibility of them never having to hide bruises again. It sounded so idyllic that Jemilla gave the most logical response to Eleanor’s proposal:

“No.”

“Excuse me?”

“No. The court would see it as kidnapping. I know you have those pictures of us covered in cuts and bruises, but you could have doctored those or something. The courts would never side with you and they would make us go back to my parent’s house and I can’t do that. I won’t do that.”

“Jemilla… think about this.”

“I have. I just did, I _just_ explained my reasoning to you. You know that the risks are too great. I’m not willing to do that. You cannot try and adopt them. Me. Us. No.”

“There’s no guarantee that the court would side against me. They could very easily see the clear abuse to you guys and not send you back. What I’m offering is the best those kids are ever gonna get, and you know it.”

Jemilla scoffed and turned towards the door. “I’m done talking about this,” Eleanor reached out and grabbed her wrist, pulling her backward. Jemilla hissed in pain and yanked her hand back.

“We are not done talking!” Eleanor roared. Jemilla backed up against the nearest wall, fear rising in her chest.

“Y- yes we are,” she muttered, trying to be brave.

“I let you stay under my roof and you repay me by back talking? By walking away? By not even hearing me out?” She was still yelling, but Jemilla’s fight instinct was taking over her flight instinct.

“I’m _sorry,_ I didn’t realize that taking in abused kids would be such a burden for you!” Jemilla yelled back.

“They’re not fucking _burdens_! I just want those kids to be safe!”

Jemilla let out a small breath as Eleanor’s words sunk in. _Those_ kids. Not “you kids”, not “you guys”, not “you”. _They’re_ not burdens. Not “you’re”, _they’re._ Jemilla was not included in the people Eleanor wanted to keep safe. She nodded and muttered a small “Of course.” and moved to the door. Eleanor must’ve realized her words by then because she was calling after Jemilla, but she didn’t want to hear it.

She reached for the door handle at the exact moment it turned from the outside and swung in. Zazzalil stood in the doorway with a surprised look on her face.

“Hi,” she said. She peeked inside and saw her red-faced mother down the hall staring at her. “What’s, uh, going on?”

“Your mom doesn’t want me to be safe and thinks I’m a burden. She doesn’t want me here, so I’m doing her a favor.” Jemilla said with venom in her tongue. She pushed past her girlfriend and walked down the street. She could hear Zazz following her and began to run, steadily gaining speed until she was full-on sprinting through the neighborhood.

She kept running until it got dark, and by then she had lost Zazzalil and had no idea where she was. She wandered around aimlessly and out of breath until she finally sat down on a bench in front of some church. There was something happening there, all of the lights were on and the parking lot was full.

If she had been paying attention, she would have noticed that it was her church. She would have noticed her parent’s car and Alice’s parent’s car in the parking lot. She would have noticed that the function had just ended and people had begun milling around on the front steps. She would have noticed Father Jeremiah pointing her out to her very drunk and very angry parents.

But she didn’t notice. She sat on the bench and looked at the stars, thinking about what she would say to Eleanor when she got back. A car pulled up in front of her and a window rolled down. She shifted her gaze to meet the drivers. It was her father.

“Jemilla Madeline.” her mother called from the passenger seat, “Get in the fucking car.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *checks work outline* Bad Times For Jemilla are ahead... >:^)
> 
> 1,631 words


	24. what if you need me? won't you hold me?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hi i'm single and it's valentines so i wrote angst for you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the chapter title doesn't make sense but yk fuck it the vibes of the song fit (willow - jasmine thompson)
> 
> sorry for spelling
> 
> tw: verbal abuse, physical abuse, mentions of dead parents

Time was a funny thing. For instance, Jemilla had only known Zazzalil for four and a half months and had lived with her for three of those months, but it felt like a lifetime. The drive back to her house felt like another lifetime.

Her parents weren’t speaking to her, they weren’t even speaking to each other. Jemilla looked out the window and watched houses fly by one by one, becoming more scared by the second.

_How could I have been so stupid?_ She thought angrily. Zazz would be worried, SB and Tiblyn would be worried, Alice would be worried, hell, even Eleanor would be worried. Jemilla had let her emotions get the better of her and now here she was, riding in her parent’s car, back to her house, where she was surely going to get her ass beat.

They pulled into the driveway and the car turned off, leaving the family in darkness. Sean and Sabrina undid their seatbelts and Jemilla followed suit. The three of them made it into the house and Jemilla instinctively began heading up the stairs. Surprisingly her parents didn’t follow her. They walked into the kitchen (to get more wine, Jemilla assumed) and talked quietly. Jemilla sat on the edge of her twin bed in the dark.

Nothing had changed since they left. It was like Sean and Sabrina hadn’t even gone up the stairs. There wasn’t really a point to it when the only reason you went upstairs was to beat your kids, Jemilla guessed. She sighed and took off her glasses, placing them on her nightstand. To be totally honest, Jemilla couldn’t remember the last time she had been in her room without someone else (Tiblyn) in it.

☾◯☽

_“Jemmy?”_

_“Hmm?”_

_“Are ghosts real?”_

_“No, bunny. I don’t think ghosts are real. Why?”_

_“Well, it’s just that I’m always cold, and so are you, and I thought that the reason we’re always cold was that our parent’s ghosts were here keeping us company.”_

_Jemilla scoffed slightly, “Our parents are downstairs, bunny. They are very much alive.” Tiblyn shook her head._

_“No, like our real parents. The ones that died. Do you think the reason we’re cold is that our parents are hanging around us?” Jemilla thought back to last night, when she cut her hip seventeen times in a row, right after making herself throw up everything she had eaten in the past few days._

_“I sure hope not, bunny. I hope they moved on, so they don’t have to see us when we’re in pain.”_ _Tiblyn nodded slowly, looking thoughtful. Jemilla reached over to her lamp and turned the switch, plunging them into darkness. “Goodnight, Tiblyn. I love you.” Tiblyn muttered something along the lines of ‘love you too’ and soon Jemilla heard light snoring._

☾◯☽ _  
_

Maybe Tiblyn had been right. Maybe the ghosts of her first parents were watching her all the time. If that was the case, now was the time for them to look away.

Her parents were climbing the stairs.

Jemilla braced herself for ridicule, for questions, and for physical abuse. She closed her eyes and prayed to the god she was pretty sure had abandoned her. Naturally, nothing big and life-saving happened. She sighed and clenched her fists right as her parents walked into her room. _Here we go…_ She thought sadly.

Questions came first: Where have you been? ( _Somewhere safe._ ) Where are Tiblyn and Sebastian? ( _Somewhere safe._ ) Why did you kidnap your siblings? ( _I didn’t._ ) Does whoever is helping you realize what a burden you are? ( _Yes._ ) Is that why you came back? ( _Yes._ ) Do you know how much trouble you’ve caused us? ( _Yes. I’m sorry. It won’t happen again._ )

Then came the ridicule: My god, you’ve let yourself go. ( _I know._ ) You really have gotten fat, Jemilla Madeline. You’ve gone around town like this? Jesus fuck, you’re ruining the family image. We’ll need to find a way for you to lose this weight, fast. ( _I know how. I’ll take care of it._ )

Then the physical abuse came in to finish it off, combined with the questions and ridicule. Jemilla was slapped, punched, and thrown onto the floor. From there, she was kicked in the ribs by her mother’s pointy stilettos (how she was still standing upright in them, drunk as she was, Jemilla had no idea. Perhaps it was a talent.)

Jemilla had started to turn her mind off but came crashing back to earth when her father kicked her in the jaw, causing her to bite down on her tongue. Her mouth flooded with blood and Jemilla tried not to spit it onto the carpet, but failed miserably. Sabrina let out a shriek of rage and yanked Jemilla’s hair like a toddler might do if you told them they couldn’t have something they wanted.

Until then, Jemilla had been very good about keeping her cries of pain in, but she couldn’t take it anymore. She let her mind shut off and do whatever it wanted, whether that be yell out in pain, cry, spit out blood, or go completely numb.

Her parents called her weak when she started crying, but she didn’t care. She was far off in a sweet memory, letting herself enjoy that rather than the abuse she was enduring.

☾◯☽

_Zazzalil had put glow-in-the-dark stars on her ceiling after Jemilla suggested it. The Party City employee gave them a weird look for buying them at their age but Zazz and Jemilla didn’t particularly care. They spent the day planning out where the stars should go on the ceiling. After letting them charge in the window sill, the two girls put the stars up in the pattern of different constellations._

_“Now we can stargaze without freezing our asses off!” Zazz said excitedly. She was standing on her bed, neck craned backward to try and look at their handiwork. Jemilla let out a light laugh and pulled her girlfriend down to a sitting position._

_“How about we stargaze later when it’s dark outside?” Jemilla offered._

_Zazz sighed dramatically and grabbed Jemilla’s hands. “Milla. Pretty girl. Sweet girl. Please. Can’t we just close the blinds and do it now?” Jemilla smiled and kissed Zazz’s nose._

_“You’re so cute,” she dropped her girlfriend’s hands and headed towards the door. Zazzalil’s mouth dropped open and she feigned a look of betrayal._

_“Is that a no?” Jemilla giggled and skipped out of the room, leaving Zazz alone in her room._

_After dinner, Zazz tried to drag Jemilla back into her room but had no such luck. Instead, Jemilla went to the room she and Tiblyn shared and grabbed her make-up and one of her nicer skirt/shirt combos. She wanted an excuse to do the makeup she had seen on TikTok and decided that this (a random night in January with a girlfriend who wanted to look at glow-in-the-dark stars) was the perfect opportunity._

_When she was done, she snuck into Zazz’s room and tapped her on the shoulder. Zazzalil had had her headphones in and was listening to some song extremely loud, so when Jemilla tapped her shoulder, she jumped about a mile into the air. After regaining her composure, she took in Jemilla’s look and complimented her endlessly. Jemilla rolled her eyes and asked if she wanted to stargaze now._

_The shorter girl dragged Jemilla to the bed, pushed her down, and ran to the door, which she locked and then turned out the lights. Zazz ran back to the bed and jumped on, barely missing Jemilla, who laughed at her girlfriend’s antics._

☾◯☽

Her parents had finally gone to bed. Jemilla was on the floor, no longer bleeding but in pain nonetheless. She sent out a silent thank you to Zazzalil for giving her memories to bury herself in at times like these.

She hoped Zazz would find her soon. She didn’t want to be there anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's been a while.
> 
> here's what jemilla's stargazing outfit looked like  
> https://pin.it/nbpKnaT
> 
> 1,314 words.

**Author's Note:**

> thoughts?


End file.
